The saints have invaded the castle!

We exchanged our peg saints today and my kids are thrilled with the result.  They both have laundry lists of all the catholic peg saints we are painting next.  I guess I need to order more peg dolls!  :)

The saints have totally taken over their play castle.  Naturally.

Art is beautiful.

I've had prints that I've wanted to frame and put on my wall for quite a while of some beautiful mother and child art, in fact the same artist I linked to in a recent blog,  but I haven't because I hadn't found frames yet.  New frames are so expensive. I found a whole bunch of almost matching frames at a thrift shop and it's such a silly thing, but I got to hang these up today and they bring me great happiness.  I might paint the frames, haven't decided, and after I took photos I was feeling a little ocd about my imperfect rushed hanging job. But right now, they are imperfectly perfect and I love to see these on my wall, as they make me smile.

Beautiful painting

I love this painting.  Wish I had the money for it. http://shop.kmberggren.com/We_Shall_Be_Safe_dilly_dilly_original_painting_p/weshallbesafeoriginal.htm

I have a few of this artist's prints on my wall and they are all amazingly beautiful. She's so talented.

Happy St. Joseph's Day!

St. Patrick's day has become so crazy mainstream that I bet many do not even know the saint who is being celebrated. However, St. Joseph's Day is just 2 days later (today!) and doesn't get even a fraction of the recognition St. Patrick does and St. Joseph was the earthly father to Jesus!  Thanks to my Grandpa Joe and his catholic faith and Polish heritage, I grew up with more knowledge of St. Joseph than the average kid, and it's still a very important feast day to me. It always reminds me of my Grandpa Joe and how he'd remind us to wear red for the feast day. And of course, my first born also shares this name and St. Joseph is the patron of our parish.

St. Joseph is the patron saint of Poland, which is one reason that my grandpa loved to celebrate this feast day.

I like to celebrate today as father's day, too.  Sure we have the "official" American holiday in June, but today is such a better way to celebrate father's, alongside the ultimate example of a devoted husband and father, Joseph. Happy St. Joseph's Day and happy father's day.  <3

St. Joseph, pray for us. 

Little baby not so little

Last weekend we went to Chikfila for lunch.  Joey asked if he could take Emmy down the slide. He does this often in our backyard or at parks.  I told him I wasn't sure how she would respond to the tunnels, but he could try as long as he brought her right back down. There weren't other kids in the play area, so I let him try.  To my shock and surprise, Emmy loved it.  After he put her down, she tried to climb the steps that were almost as big as her so she could go down again.  I can't believe how everyday how much she's grown and changed lately and how strong and independent she is.  She just passed 13 months old 2 days ago. Sweet happy baby.

An army of St. Michael's

Been working on these St. Michael peg dolls for the last couple months.  Putting modpodge on them tonight. I hope that no one in this exchange is expecting perfection, but I'm quite happy with how well my little saints turned out.  I can't wait to exchange them and have many other saints.  :)

The beauty of the Mass

To me, there is simply nothing in life as beautiful as the Mass. I wish I could go to Mass every day! Even a mass that is filled with me up and down and attending to my children's needs, there is still such grace that we receive from attending the sacrifice of the Mass.

Today we had a special mass celebration for our parishes patron saint, St. Joseph. Every reading and prayer and song were done in different languages to incorporate the wide language community St. Joe's offers. All of the priests that ordinarily say the Spanish, Portuguese, and Polish masses joined us, and the bishop came up for the celebration too. I forget that my kids don't get to see the bishop very often.  When I converted to the church I went to a cathedral parish and the bishop was just like any other priest. When Ina saw him before mass, she was completely star struck.  "Who's that?  Isn't his photo on the wall over there?" << I laughed thinking oh, you notice those photos when you're running away from me at mass.  And honestly, as a parent mass was awful for me today.  Potty breaks, tantrums, baby crying, kid injuries, frustration, frustration, frustration.  But inbetween all those moments, it was such a beautiful mass with all the wonder and beauty of all the pomp and circumstance of the Catholic Church.  It was especially neat to see Ina, who hadn't experienced alot beyond our regular mass experience, and her interest. We also had seminarians participate in the mass, two of which are st Joseph's parishioners and heard their call while at mass at our parish. Beautiful.

Our church is losing another wonderful priest to another parish. He will be greatly missed. Fr. Bernadine is such a wonderful holy man and I know he will do great service at the parishes across town that he will be moving to.  St.  Joe's will miss him though! He is so good with babies and kids and has a sweet heart of God. In fact, as they were walking out, he saw Ina's very grumpy frowny mid tantrum face and reached across a few of us to touch her.  <3

A man was taken via ambulance during mass today too. I pray that he is okay and getting the medical care he needs. The sirens and fire truck and ambulance coupled with my already broken down feelings from the beauty of the mass were really overwhelming for me.

There was also a reception at the Cody Center too and there were lots of people going!  we didn't go, but I am sure it was wonderful and blessed. 

Oh, and just for giggles. I almost never wear high heels, but today I felt well enough to wear them.  It would figure that we would sit close (which means FAR WALK to the back), my kids would have to pee or get up 60000000000 times, and my calves are suffering from all that high heel crazy mama ness today!

A very simple thing, going to mass.  But so very complex, too. Mass is beautiful.

Rosaries for Mama Mary

My favorite healthy busy work, making rosaries as gifts. Here are a few that I've made this month:

intermittent thoughts on my life with PTC

I'm not a person who likes my personal anything to be public on the Internet, and even though I've had this blog for something like ten years there's only a handful of posts on it. I go through phases where I delete almost everything.  So today I was looking back on the very few older posts I have on here and read my post called "PTC Rant" from shortly after I was diagnosed with pseudo tumor cerebri/intracranial hypertension.  This was before it got really bad and I completely lost vision in one eye and most of the peripheral vision in the other.  I was so completely frustrated, but also hurting and completely devastated.  Would I ever be able to see my little boy smile again?  Would I ever be able to have another baby?  And here now, I read that post and think,  wow. I don't know how I survived that.  Oh wait,  I do.  It was God. He gives me strength to have faith in Him and fight for what He calls me to do even when every other aspect of my life is screaming NO!

Ironically - well not irony because I don't really believe in coincidence,  but this is what led to us being blessed with Ina. I remember taking a pregnancy test on my 25th birthday, just in case because I was going in for preoperative testing to possibly get a shunt to help my vision.  I was still on large doses of heavy duty diuretics.  I was told to absolutely avoid pregnancy.  That I could permanently lose my vision, or would likely die in pregnancy due to the intracranial hypertension.  To say I was terrified is an understatement. We were using careful NFP charting to avoid pregnancy until April 2010. I could hardly see anymore and doing very detailed tasks like charting were very hard.  I needed rob to do it. He helped for about a month, but it really frustrated me to lose my ability to do yet another thing. We prayed about it and decided to take a month off from charting and to leave things completely to God. The information we got in all directions from physicians and online research and support groups and so much was so conflicting, and then at the heart and soul of all of it was our faith.  We are devout Catholics, do not believe in using birth control of any kind except NFP with abstinence during fertile times to avoid pregnancy for grave reason.  Considering my risks of pregnancy were more severe blindness and death, we knew we had grave reason. But I'm so glad today that we listened to God and continued to pray for guidance and do our own research.

Truly,  if I hadn't gotten those two little blue lines on my 25th birthday, my last five years would have looked entirely different.  I never really thought about how different it would be until I reread that post. We would likely still be living in fear, me suffering in pain from the medications. I probably would have had at least one brain surgery. Realistically knowing how IH surgeries go, I probably would have had dozens of brain surgeries at this point.  Which may or may not have fixed my vision.  I probably would be physically disabled, and need lots of help with daily living and caring for my son.

The last five years haven't been easy by any stretch, but compare to the harsh reality that I would likely be blind, have had multiple brain surgeries, and not able to see my baby boy or husband or ANYTHING any more is simply a miracle.

When I was hospitalized early this year and they told me they suspected it was a return of my pseudotumor cerebri, all of those scary feelings in that post, they all came flooding back to me. So yes, the last 5 years have been a struggle but not in a brain surgery and blindness way.  And here we are blessed with 2 more sweet children to snuggle and watch them smile and spin and be silly.  And hey, I even get to watch them when they throw temper tantrums and are mad.  But I get to SEE it. I get to see that pregnancy test all those times I've taken them over the years.  I get to see how my girls looked as babies and watch them grow.

When I look back on photos of Joey during those 6 months of blindness, I don't recognize him.  But I know him.  I was there.  I may not have been able to type or even use a phone for a while, but I kept taking photos of him hoping I could one day put my hearing and touch memories together with a visible memory.

Thank God for blessing us with Ina, and for curing my vision along with the blessing of her pregnancy.  I am told I'm in remission, because intracranial hypertension never really goes away.  I hope it doesn't ever come back, but at least I know if it does, my God will bring me through the hurt, frustration, etc.  He is amazing. Rereading that post really just makes me glad that I can see. And for all of the blessings of the last five years, especially those of my babies.  

This is my story that I've told many times, but writing it down, today was the first time.

Novena to St. Joseph starts tomorrow!

Join me in praying the novena to St. Joseph that starts tomorrow...

St. Joseph

Feast Day:  March 19, Novena Dates:  March 10-18

 

Remember, O most illustrious Patriarch St. Joseph, on the testimony of St. Teresa, thy devoted client, never has it been heard that anyone who invoked thy protection or sought thy mediation has not obtained relief.  In this confidence I come before thee, my loving protector, chaste spouse of Mary, foster-father of the Savior of men and dispenser of the treasures of His Sacred Heart.  Despise not my earnest prayer, but graciously hear and obtain my petition………

(Here mention your request.) 

Let us pray.

O God, Who by Thine ineffable Providence didst vouchsafe to choose St. Joseph to be the spouse of Thy most holy Mother, grant, we beseech Thee, that he whom we venerate as our protector on earth may be our intercessor in Heaven, who livest and reignest forever and ever.  Amen.

Small blessings

I just feel incredibly blessed this last 24 hours.  Some very tiny insignificant things, some huge, some good,  some inbetween... some about me, tear filled, laughter filled.

I can't share details about most of these things, but really, just wanted to say that I am just blessed.

My health the last year

I'm going to go ahead and totally overshare with all of you regarding my health. Way tmi health update. Stop reading now if you don't want to know details.

My year since Emily was born has been a very difficult year. My pregnancy with her was already a hard year with hg and home health, and I expected it to get easier once she arrived, but it didn't. I still have some vitamin deficiencies and food aversions that are directly related to her pregnancy, too.

I got mastitis twice when Emily was young and at least one time was likely related to her tongue tie revision and her not removing milk effectively. Emily also has never liked to sleep and cried alot as a newborn. She still cries way more than the average baby, but I love my baby and insist on meeting her needs even if it means I lose sleep.

I was having random on and off heavy bleeding for months after her birth and saw a specialist and he kept brushing it off as "just hormonal", but nothing was getting better. I'd be fine for a few days and then Id be standing in Costco and be covered in my own blood. Id feel fine some days and other days Id be nauseated and puke and bleed heavily. I saw one resident at mayo that told me i was bleeding so much because i was sleep deprived! Oy! After some persistence on my part and getting a second opinion gynecologist and an Mri, they found a tiny tear on my cervix and cauterized it and all the bleeding finally stopped in June, nearly 5 months after she was born. I have never been so happy to not be bleeding constantly.

After all of my babies I've struggled some with anxiety and depression, more so after Joey than Ina. There were definitely situational components to both and I struggled with this too when I was younger. I was trying to do natural things and hoping that once the bleeding got under control things would get better for me on this front. They didn't. I'm a very very private person, and confided in my closest friends asking for advice and help on labor day weekend. One friend jumped to the conclusion based upon text messages that she thought I was suicidal and intended to kill myself. This was far from the truth, but she then decided to call the police instead of picking up to call me or mutual friends or my husband to see what my state of mind was. Yes, I was upset that night. No, I did not need the police called and involved in my life. I was upset and crying and talking to my husband late that night when a policeman shined his flashlight into our window, shortly after I opened the door I had cuffs on my hands and was put in the back of a police car because my friend told them that I was going to commit suicide. I was taken away to a mental health facility that was truly the thing that nightmares are made of and locked up against my will. I will spare you from the details, but it was horrifying. Prisoners are given more rights. I was denied access to a pump and access to my nursing children. I begged for them to at least give me a pump or allow my husband to bring mine, my breasts hurt so badly. I had no idea if or how Emily was being fed and that was my biggest worry. I didn't have pumped milk in the freezer nor would Emily take it if i did because she always had a hard time eating because of her tongue. Luckily one friend came over and nursed Emily the entire time i was gone. What a blessing. The psychiatrist met with me about 15 hours after being put in there and then 2 hours later I was released. He agreed that I was very stressed out and probably needed some more support, but that I did not belong in a inpatient setting. As a result of this visit, we were reported to dcf and investigated for months after. We were "double reported" as in got reported twice in 24 hours, once because of me being brought in by the police and once because I was a breastfeeding mother who drank a beer at 10pm at night. The nurse who reported me for that wouldn't have even known that I was nursing but I kept begging for a pump because I was so scared of getting mastitis again and I was incredibly engorged and in pain. After I left, I did follow up with a primary care dr for help with the anxiety and depression bouts and it has been helping.

Dcf dropped the case against us rather rapidly stating there was no abuse indicated, but because of us being double reported we had to complete months of classes and in home checks. Very very stressful when I was already very stressed. That ended around Thanksgiving. It's not being paranoid when you've actually got government people in your house scrutinizing your every decision, it's not paranoia, it's very real fear.

In November I started having some breast problems and there was concern that it could be breast cancer. Mayo and our insurance was being very uncooperative with getting me the appointments I needed to be checked, and so I went through a painfully slow process of having that evaluated while I worried. Most recently I saw the breast surgeon who believes it's more likely I have some sort of bleeding issue going on and she has referred me to hematology to be worked up eventually.

Then in January I fainted. Rob found me unconscious. I have a loss of memory of about 5 hours and evidently denied being transported by EMS when they were at my house. I fainted again the next morning and couldn't stop puking and went to the hospital and was admitted. They suspected that it may be related to medication or that my intracranial hypertension was returning. I've been considered "in remission" of this since getting pregnant with Ina. They wanted to do a lumbar puncture to check for this, it was mildly elevated but not enough to convince me to go on the medicines that really did not help the first time. They tried to do the lumbar puncture bedside and it was horrible and painful and I had bleeding complications. They did it under fluouroscopy the next day and also did a number of all tests, all relatively inconclusive. I was discharged on the third day and had a horrible post lumbar puncture headache develop. I called the dr on call and they encouraged me to wait until Monday, or go into the ER. I wound up going into the ER because I was in so much pain. They couldn't do the blood patch because it was a Sunday and they don't do them on Sundays. I was also then given the news that I had bacteria growing in my spinal fluid and that there was concern for meningitis, so they didn't want to treat me for the headache and accidentally seal in meningitis basically. They gave me many powerful pain drugs and sent me home and told me to come back tomorrow if I still needed the blood patch. I came back and they said they couldn't do it that day and were still concerned about meningitis and so they gave me antibiotics and more pain meds. I came back the following day and had the blood patch procedure done on my spine and had relief from those symptoms.

I evidently ovulated late from stress in the hospital, and to my shock, had an early positive pregnancy test. On Ina's birthday, I was certain I had lost the baby and was miscarrying. Our emotions on this are still very mixed.

This doesn't even get into Emilys hospital visit in the fall or all of the regular kid illnesses that we've dealt with all year! I really didn't necessarily want to share this.

`I am a deeply personal private person and even people who are very close to me don't know all of this. I am so very physically tired though and so tired of people asking other people how I am and false information being given from friends that have turned against me when I've needed them most. I have lost friends this last year and my heart hurts and breaks from that. Please know that I am doing the best that I can. You might not think it from where you sit, but take a moment and see where I've been sitting, and know that I have been doing my very best. I am eternally grateful to my friends and family who have been at my side serving me and my family and showing me how Jesus calls us to love and be loved. Thank God for them and thank God for life.

Jax Airshow Nursing Experience

Two years ago, in October 2012, we were at the Jax Airshow that was at Jax Beach that year and I had my worst nursing in public experience ever. Some of you know this story to a certain degree, but I thought I’d post about it especially given it is 2 years later and today I was feeling particularly defensive nursing at the airshow at NAS Jax. Lucky for all the strangers there, nobody said anything to me, as it should be! wink emoticon Two years ago, we were sitting on the beach, watching the air show for hours at that point, when a stranger approached me and demanded I cover up or stop nursing and called me white trash, that I was trying to sexually “turn on” little boys playing nearby (which included my son!), and that I should be ashamed. I stayed calm and politely informed her of Florida law that I can breastfeed anywhere I legally am allowed to be. When I would not stop nursing and just kept politely informing her of the law, she started calling me names and threatened to go “get the sheriff to force me to stop.” She was so unkind to me, I was choking back tears and many strangers from all around me put their hands on my shoulder or offered words of support, saying that I was in the right and did nothing wrong. The lady stood and waited and talked to the sheriff. Then the Jax Beach police officer came up to me and knelt down on the beach next to me and told me to cover or stop nursing. He said I know you aren’t doing anything illegal, but please stop, “multiple” people are offended... Because the lady got one of her friends to go with her to complain. I told him I would not stop nursing or cover up more (and honestly, I was nursing pretty modestly, but that is completely beyond the point!). He then asked me to cover up "as a favor to him". I told him I did not have to cover up by law, and what did he expect me to do? To use a sand covered towel on my child? He said that to just do it as a favor to him and that more than one person was upset. I said, well, I AM upset that my right to breastfeed is not being protected, it is not against the law and I WILL NOT STOP. I told him I am upset that my family is being yelled at and ridiculed by a stranger, yet, I'm being asked to stop when I'm in the right. He should be telling her to stop harassing me. He quickly walked away after that and I was left in tears because I was so upset at this point. The police officer was no where to be seen the remainder of the event, this happened between Fat Albert flying and the rest of the Blue Angels flying, about 3:15pm until 4:30pm. He was in a golf cart but I didn’t see him after that. But you bet, that woman stood right nearby me, staring at me and my family, the rest of the event, smugly, because she felt that she was in the right because the Sheriff had asked me to cover. I had a few strangers come up to me and say that they thought I was completely fine and that breastfeeding was protected, etc, but by that point I felt so hurt by everything that had occurred no amount of comforting really was much use. But I insisted to stay through the rest of the air show, as my son Joey LOVES the blue angels. As it turned out, my baby had become very ill and I did not know it yet. Ina started puking violently as we left and was hospitalized for the entire week following - I am sure glad that as a mom, I followed my instincts and let her nurse constantly for the hours and hours that we were at the air show, she clearly needed all the milk she could get to try to fight off that virus. I had a LLL leader go and talk to the Sheriff’s office, and I called and talked to them on the phone. They did verbally apologize to me, mostly because I was so upset, but said that because the other lady complained first, that he was “forced” to address the situation and talk to me. Evidently, crazy people who have a problem with breastfeeding truly are more protected than breastfeeding is here. Sad, but true. Thank you to everyone that helped me that day, and after that day to help get through this traumatic day. heart emoticon Love you Rob, Elisabeth, Janet, and Harley. Below: photo of me being soooo "inappropriate" nursing Ina at the Air Show in 2012.

May 15 - HG Awareness Day

Today is Hyperemesis Gravidarum awareness day. For women like myself who have had HG, it takes what is supposed to be a huge blessing and very happy time and fills it with vomiting, nausea, rapid weight loss, dehydration, malnutrition... I honestly have a hard time even sharing about this, I still gag on certain foods and there are many I cannot even attempt to eat because of how violently I threw them up. Heck, there are still foods from Joey's and Ina's pregnancies that I cannot eat, and they are 3 and 7 years old. There are different "levels" of HG, even from pregnancy to pregnancy with the same woman. I can only hope and pray that if we are blessed with future pregnancies, I do not have HG, or if I do, they're like my easiest pregnancy, Ina's, where I only threw up once or twice daily the entire time. Easy peasy compared to my others! smile emoticon Perspective... Today though I ask you to please pray daily for all of those women who are currently suffering from HG, especially those who are being offered "therapeutic termination" of their pregnancy - which if you look on the HER website, it is a staggering 20% of HG pregnancies that end in abortion. It is one of the saddest things for me having connected with other moms who have HG online, seeing how many women decide to have abortions because the current therapies are not enough to bring mom relief. It is so very, very hard. Even on home health and daily fluids, nausea meds, etc, I still could barely walk around, wash my own hair, or even get up to puke. And thank you, for all of the friends, family, and care providers that were amazing to me during one or all of my pregnancies. I could tag people, but it would be too many smile emoticon heart emoticon My babies may not know it, but they have you to thank you for their lives and I have you to thank for mine, too. You all almost make up for the poor treatment I got from care providers, the doctors who offered me abortion, the times I had to argue with doctors in ERs about needing fluids... being sent back HOME because the doctor wanted to go to lunch before seeing me, when I was super dehydrated and tried to transfer to an OB to get on home health during Emily's pregnancy.... I could go on and on and on. Some of the instances are just too hard for me to think about or even write about. So, please, pray for the women who have HG, pray for the sweet babies who have never made it to earth to take their first breath because of HG (either because of miscarriage, or abortion), pray for the friends and family members of those suffering, and pray for all of the doctors who are researching to find better therapies than currently exist. I'd also like to add that at the end of my pregnancy, I got some relief from a supplement called Lauricidin - Recommended By Physicians Worldwide. After taking it for a week, it was the first time ever I had been pregnant and not also nauseated - in all of my pregnancies. I still threw up some, but it did offer me tremendous relief and I was able to come almost completely off the antinausea meds in the last month of my pregnancy except for after an occasional violent puke. There is some research being done about other pharmaceuticals that may help in pregnancy, but I personally do not feel confident enough from what I've read to share about them yet. If you know someone with HG, call, email, show up and help. It might seem like it is very little or not enough, but if you just show up and help a little every time, it really is huge. Some of the things that helped me most were people dropping lunch off on the porch for my kids, people who came in and folded laundry or did a load of dishes, friends who watched my kids while I got stabbed for the 10th time that day to get an IV in place. It might seem small, but it is not.

Ina's Birth Story

I was 41 weeks and 3 days and had pretty much resigned to being pregnant forever. I had been up all night, as I had almost every night in the last week and a half, because my joints hurt too bad to fall asleep, especially my hips and knees whenever I was laying down. At 3:45am, I decided to try to sleep again. After I layed down for maybe 10 mins, I had a painful contraction that was much stronger than the ones I had been having over the past weeks/months, and I sat up in bed and stayed sitting until it stopped. I had glanced at the clock and it was just prior to 4am. I had two more, and did the same thing sitting up/laying down, and then after that one I went and sat in the bathroom. I had 3 more, and looked at the clock and it had only been 15 mins with 6 total contractions. I woke up Rob and told him to stay awake because I thought I was in labor and it was going fast, but I wanted to shower to be sure, since all of my past contractions would usually die out in the shower. I got in the shower and had more contractions and when I got out Rob had fallen back asleep. (Good thing I didn’t need him!) I woke him up and told him I think we needed to call Irma (my doula) and the birth center because I think it was happening fast. He insisted we time more contractions first, so I put up with him timing contractions for a few mins and after he kept “messing up” and wanting to start over, I yelled at him to just go by the last three he had and start calling people. By those, I was having about 1-1.5 minute long contractions every 2.5 minutes. And I couldn’t walk, talk, move through them at all. After we called and decided we were going into the birth center, Rob started loading up the car with our stuff and I told him to get the list of the things I said to “grab as we were leaving” and I told him to not get like half the stuff on the list, since I didn’t feel like we had time and I didn’t think we’d need them. Rob grabbed Joey out of bed and loaded him into the car about 5:10. Joey wanted to know why we were going to have the baby in the dark and couldn’t we wait until day time? On the way, Rob called his parents to come meet us at the birth center (they were going to be with Joey while I was in labor) and called my parents in California to tell them I was in labor. I was told later that there was a beautiful crescent moon with Venus right near it that Rob and Irma both saw while going to the birth center, but I didn’t notice. We made it to Fruitful Vine about 5:30, and made my way to exam room to find out I was 5-6cm dilated, and then we went over to one of the birthing suites. Hope was apologizing that I was getting the small room, because there was another mom there that had her baby earlier in the night and was still in the other room. I don’t remember if I told her I didn’t care or if I was just thinking it, but I really would have had the baby where-ever at that point. The moment we walked into one of the birth rooms, Joey announced that his baby sister’s name is Ina Beth to everyone in the room. Totally made me laugh, that he kept his mouth shut the entire pregnancy and decided to announce it the moment I was in labor - we thought he had forgotten it. When Rob was unloading the stuff, Joey stayed with me and started immediately pigging out on his “birth snacks” that he had been waiting weeks to eat. I had maybe 3 more contractions and Irma got there and shortly after, my inlaws got there about 6am and went with Joey into the waiting room to watch DVDs. I had been sitting on the bed and moved to kneeling in front of the bed. My water broke after about 20 mins like that and then I got up on the bed at 6:30am. Hope wanted to check me but I had another contraction start, and out came half of her head along with her left hand. The next contraction came and out came the rest of her at 6:36am along with the rest of my amniotic fluid all over Hope, lol! Super fast! (oh, and no tearing either!) We had planned to have Joey come in for her being born, but it all happened so incredibly fast that there was no time, so we waited until after the placenta was out and she had nursed some and then Rob went to the waiting room to get Joey. We also didn’t get any labor or birth photos because of this. He asked Joey if he wanted to come see his baby sister and my inlaws were shocked and said “Already!?” :) We have a short video of just after Joey met Ina, the first thing he said was “Can we take her home?” and then he was talking to her very quietly saying “I’m your big brother and you’re my baby sister”, holding his hand up against hers. She was super wide-eyed alert the moment he started talking to her too, so sweet. Also, since I'm frequently asked, my Ina Beth is named after my childhood babysitter who died in a car accident when she was 16. I was a young girl and Ina Beth was like a big sister to me.

Emmy Lou's Birth Story

Emily's pregnancy was my hardest pregnancy with severe hyperemesis gravidarum. In my second trimester I was on home health with home IV fluids for hydration and I had a zofran pump in my stomach to help deliver constant nausea medication subcutaneously. Even with this, I still puked multiple times daily and lost about 25% of my body weight. The day for Emily was due, I had been at my husband's grandma's house cleaning it out and packing things up because after the baby was born we were planning to move in. We finished for the day and went to my inlaws with Ina while Rob and Joey went to help my brother in law with some trash. Around 5pm, I was sitting and nursing Ina and felt like I had to pee, so I got up and walked to the bathroom and as I was walking a felt a familiar "pop". I had a feeling it was my water and ran to the bathroom so I didn't start leaking fluid everywhere. It was definitely my water. I texted my doula and I called rob to tell him that he needed to come back to get me. I called fruitful vine and since I had such a fast labor with Ina, we had decided I'd come in right away if my water broke first even if contractions weren't very strong. Robs grandma was worried I was going to have the baby before Rob got there and thought we should call an ambulance. Rob came and got me and since it was dinner time, Joey and Ina just stayed with my inlaws and we stopped by our house to grab a few things and then went to the birth center. I was only 3 cm dilated, and contractions weren't at all intense. I was walking around and laughing and talking and just hanging out. I layed down for a bit around 9 and after laying down contractions were coming harder and faster and I wanted to get into the bath tub and waiting for it to fill up felt like forever. I labored in the tub for the rest of my labor and Emily was born quickly under water at 11:48pm on Sunday, February 16, just 12 minutes short of being born on her due date. I got out of the tub to birth the placenta and Emily latched on and nursed immediately after birth. I had heavier bleeding than is usual and got medicine to help stop the bleeding, which took longer to help than I liked, but I was thankful that it stopped and I didn't have to transfer. I felt faint the first time I got up, but felt ok within an hour or so and then went home with Rob and Emily. Joey and Ina met their sister Emily for the first time late Monday morning.

Tired.

I am tired. That's all. Just really freaking tired.



And while typing this, I forgot I had some pita I was heating in the oven. Well, forgot until my kitchen was full of smoke. Child yelling "Must call fireman Sam! It's an emergency!" Okay, no fire, just lots of smoke but enough to send Joey into a tizzy. I think we should all just go back to bed today.

Percolating

I feel like I've been percolating some coffee in my head since the middle of the night last night. Really. I finally just got up because it was just so loud I couldnt sleep anymore.

I have a hard time figuring out what is "big enough" to call the doctor about and what isn't. Like, the fact that I was up half the night because I feel like coffee is brewing in my head/ears? or is that "just part of the disease"? PFfff.

At least today is a tumbles day, so Joey will have fun and get worn out, and hopefully take a good nap afterwards and I can have some quiet (I mean, only coffee percolating time). Haha. Versus, right now, coffee percolating + Joey + dog + tv + dry moving + this annoying noise my fingers make typing... Hmmmmmmm. Yeah only coffee percolating sounds nice.

Good news, bad news

So my good news is that on Monday I found out that I won't need surgery for now! Yay.

Bad news, my right eye vision is extremely "constricted" and I really can only see looking straight ahead from that eye. this is frustrating for me, on so many levels. But, the swelling of my optic nerve has actually improved some, which is a relief, so that's something.

I've had a few rough days of not feeling so hot. Joey's been sick with a cold and cranky and clingy (understandably). I've been having alot of ear pressure from the PTC, which makes me off balance and also gives me alot of nausea. So cranky kid, plus me being extra sensitive to well, everything, is making things a bit tough. My hand goes in phases it seems. The bracing IS helping overall, but there are times it still really hurts or the opposite side starts to hurt instead. Rob's not been feeling well too, still having chest and neck pain, and also thinks he is getting what Joey has. But we'll get through it!

I got a card from our priest in the mail yesterday, saying he was praying for us. I *knew* they were, but the visual to put on my shelf is extra comforting.

I finally heard back from Dr. R's office, who I have been calling, well, forever, about my blood work results. But, I missed their call (I was resting) and I have not been able to get ahold of anyone since - just leave messages. Go freaking figure. Somebody just tell me if you're going to give me the drug or not and I'll bug off!

I've been trying to cut back on computer screen time significantly to see if the lack of strain will help me feel better. I decided sort of at the last moment to give up facebook and chatting (with the exception of work chat) for Lent. Probably for the best, considering it's made me bored with the computer and made me step away and as a result get more eye rest :)

We took this photo on valentines day, earlier this week, and I really noticed that the difference in the swelling in my face is amazing. Not the best comparison - I tried to find one at the same angle - but look at my face especially, the shape is really remarkably different. I think the PTC was really consuming me physically alot more than I realized.

We took Joey to losco park on valentines day, and it was COLD because that park is shaded. But he had a blast. :)

Oh, and the biggest frustration now is we went to the office to finalize moving into a bigger unit, and now they want us to pay almost 1100 a month, which is absolutely insane for a 2 bdroom. At just over 900, it was doable before, but I'm really not interested in living in a 2 bdroom apt for 1100 dollars when we could rent a nice house for that. The intention was to SAVE money and to upgrade our space. Not spend more. So, now we're on the look again. Under pressure, too, because we have to give 60 days notice by March 1 as per our lease. The whole deposit/application/dog fee situation stresses me out so bad when thinking of moving too. We may end up giving notice without a place to live. Which I hate, hate, hate to do! But there is no way I am going to pay "market rent" for this apartment on a month to month basis (almost 1200!!)

And my house is a mess. And I cant do anything about it. All the bending + head shocks is not my idea of a fun time. Oh, and I did mention these things to the doctor - in addition to my memory loss - and his answer was that it is "just part of the disease". I asked about the chances of regaining my right eye vision and he said I should. "only 5%" go completely blind in one eye. So I'm hoping I'm not in that 5%!

So some good news this time :) Which is an improvement!! :)

Seriously?!

I feel like someone is poking and prodding at my life, and laughing a full bellied laugh at me today. I've literally tripped and fallen on my face 5 times today, and unlike the other day, this time, the dog is smart enough to move out of the way and not let me use her as my giant falling cushion.

It started out okay. We cancelled a JAXNPP meeting with the area leaders last night because so many kidlets were sicks. Which, considering the rain, and how much my head has hurt in the last 48 hours, was really a blessing. I woke up feeling not so bad headache wise, and decided to try to get all of my brain activities done as early as I could while I felt okay. Got my work done. Got my postings to JAXNPP subforum for area leaders done (Rob had helped me type them last night, so I just had to copy/paste). Made Joey breakfast. And by breakfast, I mean toast and fresh squeezed juice, and myself fresh squeezed juice. Much more than that would've been agony. Joey for the most part cooperated, though, watched way more tv than I would like on a normal day but no day has been "normal" lately.

Got done, and we took the dog out and made a rain party out of it. I was sure glad I got Joey that rain poncho at a consignment shop recently for $2.

From February 2010

Then I made lunch for Joey. almond butter and jelly sandwiches, heart shape style. I swore I'd never be the mom who cuts off the crust for their kid, but my mom got him a cut cutter and he really adores it. So I did it. Snapped a photo. He ate the crust, too. Made me feel better ;) He ate THREE sandwiches and an orange and some hemp milk. Must've been pretty crappy sandwiches.

From February 2010

Then, he napped. He fought me about it, but he went down within 20 minutes and slept for 3 hours. Bliss. Except, here I was sitting on the bed and my bliss was interrupted. I got an email from my work. MISTAKES. MISTAKES. MISTAKES. Not just mistakes, but CLIENT FOUND MISTAKES. The worst kind. They didnt necessarily effect patient care, it was a date error. But it was on MULTIPLE FILES. This is the first major mistake I've made since graduating. Ever. I don't make mistakes like this. My memory has been going, going, gone lately and I've been catching myself making more and more mistakes while working. Evidently, there are some going out that I am not catching too. That, seriously breaks my heart. I understand that this is a job where 99% accuracy is expected. And really, I was pretty good at maintaining it until my body decided to go psycho on me and start overproducing spinal fluid and squeezing the hell out of my brain and making me stupid. I feel so ridiculously stupid for making these mistakes. And really, I'm 100% harder on myself than my company was. It just really breaks my heart to be making errors like this, it is not the person I am or was, I guess. It's good that I have cut down on the amount of work, but if I can't keep up quality even in small amounts, I don't know what I will do.

And sometime after making lunch, my head started to pound again. I get this pounding/wooshing in my ears from the fluid and its torture. Lately, I've also been having these shocking pains in my brain. I feel like its a brain zap or something. But if I stand up to quick, turn quickly, step on a toy, bend over to pick up a toy, basically anything that requires movement, I get this horrible shock in my head. Usually the top of my head, sometimes the back. they HURT and literally make me cry sometimes. I'm so frustrated to not be able to clean up! But really, what it ends me up doing, is sitting my butt in one place (couch, bed) and not moving. And being the most worthless mother ever.

So, on monday I was diagnosed with De Quervains Tenosynovitis of my left hand. It has been hurting for about 2 weeks, and I thought maybe I had broken it from the way the medicine sucks water out of my bones, but it turns out its tendon inflammation. (and no, I dont use this part of my hand to type). Anyway, I still dont have a brace for it that my doctor prescribed. rob was supposed to get off early today to do it, but I just got a phone call from him, that he is in the ER. His boss said he looked pale, and his chest hurt and he was dizzy/faint. So. . . I am not getting my brace today, which I was really counting on, to at least relieve THIS part of my pain. And my husband is in the hospital with super high blood pressure (again) and they do not know what is causing it (again).

And the right side of my face is swollen like crazy and I look like some weird half tortured cartoon character.

And my house is a mess and I cant clean it without getting zapped in the brain and I dont want to cook dinner for like reasons. And the way today has turned out, I'm afraid to order out. Probably my go-to corn free places will magically add corn just for tonight to torture me or something. And I have no idea if my husband is okay and when he will be home and I just need him here to give me a break.

And, just so I don't have to end on a mad grumpy note, I'll add a pic of Joey making (eating) cookies from last week.

From February 2010

The reality is though, I'll put a smile on my face and keep on going the best I can because I have to for Joey. BTW, my big appointment with the neuroopthamologist is monday.