Breathing and baby and more, oh my!

In the world of baby Robin, things have been much less exciting this last week than the week before, but it hasn't been without a variety of hurdles. 

I'm still needing every four hour breathing treatments in order to just function.  My lungs are still really messed up from the pneumonia and even just walking around the house too much sets me into heavy wheezing. Up until the last 24 hours, I was having steady every day improvement, though it was small.  Had a bit of a set back last night as the last cut down of weaning off of steroids was evidently too much for my body to handle and I woke up every 30 minutes or so choking and struggling to breathe.  So, had to talk to the doctor, go back up on those, and do an even slower weaning off them and see how I do.  I'm so incredibly drained from the last 24 hours and I really hope they're in my system enough now that I can rest tonight. 

We had another trip to the hospital last week, this time because the obs sent me. I had very high levels of protein in my urine and my liver function tests were high too, so they were concerned about preeclampsia. I was discharged the same day, as my values went down, but I did more testing today and I'm waiting on those results.  Hopefully it's nothing. I also found out at this visit that I lost nearly another 20 pounds in the last two weeks. Not that surprising considering my ring didn't fit again, but even the nurse was shocked. 

Even through all this craziness and sickness (hubby and all the kids caught bugs too, probably from stress and visiting me at the hospital), the count down to Robin's arrival keeps clicking.  I think it says we have 43 days left now.  Is that all?  Craziness.  I don't know how we will get everything ready and done, but I know it'll all work out.  I've been so incredibly thankful for the kindness and help of friends and family during the crazy time for us. I never imagined being so sick and I'm eager to recover so I can do more again.  But it's a careful balancing act, since I can't really do more without sliding backwards, and I want to keep regaining lung function because well, I like to breathe.

Thank you everyone for all the prayers and know we've been praying for you and offering up all of our suffering through this.  <3

Hyperemesis gravidarum sucks, but aspiration pneumonia on top of that sucks more!

So, the fact that I get some level of hyperemesis gravidarum during my pregnancies is no secret.  It sucks, but I've suffered through it before and feel like even when it is really bad, the suffering is only temporary.

During past pregnancies, one of my personal "my hg is getting bad" limits is when I wake up from a deep sleep barfing on myself.  It's usually a sign that I need to increase medication, I'm too dehydrated, or need other help.  This pregnancy I developed an allergy to Zofran that I didn't have before, so that  cut out the most typical treatment for HG, leaving me with 3 other meds for treatment. One of the meds I was put on, Reglan, can and has affected my heart some, and so I've been advised to take it only if absolutely necessary. As a result, I've been less likely to medicate myself for my nausea and vomiting during this pregnancy unless I know I'll have a very hard day or if I've puked more than 3 times in the first hour or so of the day.  But, as a result, I haven't been medicating myself extra when I'm waking from my sleep with vomit in my mouth.

About 2.5 weeks ago, I caught a minor head cold that my kids had and the extra production of mucus triggered more and more vomiting.  15 days ago, at 5 pm, I had a high fever of 103 hit me suddenly and I was quickly in bed with chills. I still thought it could be cold related but maybe had gone to a sinus infection or bronchitis.  I spent the next two days acutely ill with high fever and constant vomiting.  Saturday evening I noticed my urine was very concentrated and I called my ob to go into the hospital for fluids.  L&d treated me for severe dehydration, the ob didn't come in to examine me but I was advised to go to primary care on Monday.... so I did that.  Primary care doc said I sounded awful and discussed the risks/benefits of a chest xray at 30 weeks pregnant and I decided to do the xray, which showed double pneumonia.  I went on two antibiotics at home, and improved slightly within the first 24 hours and then continued to worsen.  Saw primary care again on Thursday and he said I needed to go to the hospital.  When l&d checked me in, my primary care had spoken to my ob, so they had a pulmonology Dr and infectious disease Dr ready to see me, and they've been carefully following me the entire time I've been here.

At first they were exploring a "is this community acquired pneumonia or aspiration pneumonia" route, but after more testing came back, the infectious disease doc said he was pretty certain this was aspiration pneumonia. I'm on day 7 in the hospital, and it is still very difficult for me to breathe.  The last two days I've improved instead of worsened though, so I am very happy about that. Without doing more radiology testing, they can't say for sure if the pneumonia is completely gone, but it isn't showing up on xray anymore but there are areas on xray that show alot of scarring and areas where my lungs will just not inflate when I take a deep breath. The Dr explained it as how the lungs heal typically is they expand from the bottom and push the crud out, but because I have an almost full term baby pushing up against my lungs, my lungs are trying to expand but cant.  They're just stuck spasming instead.  the specialist doctors have been excellent though and have managed everything very well, I just work it was working faster even with their aggressive approach!

In my time here I've been on 3 iv antibiotics, that they've gradually transitioned to oral as I've shown improvement.  I've been on high dose iv steroids to help the spasm, which right now they're trying to wean down to see how it goes or of I worsen with those going down. I've also been on every 4 hour breathing treatments of a bunch of different kinds. When they admitted me, they were pretty sure I'd end up in the icu and even put me in an icu bed in a regular room, but luckily so far I've been able to stay out of the icu. They said if my o2 sats are consistently below 95, they'll discuss the icu.  I had one day, on Sunday, that they were in the mid to high 80s a couple days ago and they discussed oxygen briefly but were about to get them to increase with more steroids.

Through all of this, baby Robin is doing well.  He's measuring nearly 4 pounds on ultrasound and he's 32 weeks gestation today!  I can't believe we're still in this hospital, but even with how much I hate hospitals I know it's the best place to be seeing as I get winded just going to the bathroom.  early induction or taking the baby early has been discussed some, but only as a measure if I worsen or if Robin isn't doing well from me being so bad.  I tore a muscle in my abdomen on Saturday from coughing and l&d were in here in a rush and all sorts of possibilities were being discussed.  The biggest concern was that my pain was coming from inside my uterus, not outside.  Since all is still holding up well inside the uterus, Robin will stay there and continue to grow.  But they are monitoring him very closely to make sure that doesn't change.  Ina saw a newborn on the floor recently and said she wished Robin was out now and I was like, no no no.  Then he would be in his own hospital room (the nicu). I'd rather him stay kicking away in my belly even if it means it is harder for my lungs to heal and harder for my to breathe. 

Rob and the kids have come to visit daily, until yesterday as he and Ina are sick. Poor Ina is by far the most stressed out about me being in the hospital for so long so it doesn't surprise me that she is sick.  It's been two days since I've seen Emmy, which stinks. She's so little she doesn't really understand, but rob says she asks for me alot. :( Rob and I got to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary with me in the hospital here.  I think we need a real celebration when I'm well! I've had many sweet visitors and appreciate all of them so much.  Fr.  Bernie came and gave me the anointing of the sick and I've had Jesus brought to me a few times too. <3

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love,  help with childcare and meals! <3 I never could have imagined getting so sick while pregnant.... and this is coming from someone who barfs daily my entire pregnancies. Perspective... hg does definitely suck, but aspiration pneumonia, you win the suck award!  You suck. But, we will get through this too.

Love <3

Emily Louise 18 months

Happy 18 months tonight to my sweet Emily Louise! <3

You still fight sleep more than any baby I've ever known.  Eighteen months of sleep fighting screaming anytime it's time for a rest. I do get it, you want to be awake constantly so that you can constantly take in every aspect of your surroundings. Your sleep hygiene has improved ever so slightly in the last two months, but by saying that I mean you sometimes once a week will remember you're a baby and actually take a nap, or you'll wake up only 4 times at night instead of 12. I'm sure one day I'll laugh remembering our years of no sleep together. 

You are about to be a big sister in 3 months, but you really have no idea.  Your baby brother Robin kicks you often when you're laying on my belly, but you either don't notice or you don't want to acknowledge that he's there.

You finally passed 20 lbs recently, but you're still my 4th percentile little tiny spunky girl. You've got balance better than both your older siblings and core strength like people can't believe.  You may be tiny, but you are mighty! You like to exhibit your strength Ina-style, by picking up any object, person, or animal that looks like it may challenge your strength. Small dogs at friends homes are your latest lifting feat that you're so proud of!

Joey and Ina like to call you "M&M" which they got from me calling you Em. But you really do get called a mix of things and you just roll with it.

You don't have many words yet, but you have signs and sounds to make your needs known. Your favorite words to say are dada, cheese, mama, doggy, and "nuh-uh!" You love to play dress up and live for girly dress up shoes and crowns. You also love to draw, especially on yourself!

Your favorite place to be is up in a carrier or snuggling with anyone that will hold you. But when you're snuggled out, you quickly fall right in line with acting like a big kid in all games and play.  You have the appetite of a horse and often eat more at meals than your 8 year old brother. 

You, my Emmy Lou, are my rosary baby.  When you were a newborn and crying and we couldn't calm you, you grasped tightly onto my rosary that I was praying. And you continue to seek and receive such beautiful blessings from our Mama Mary. You play with your chewy rosary that I made you at least daily, and I can almost always distract you for a large part of mass by letting you hold one of my rosaries. You've got a special love for Mary that our family is so blessed by. <3

You do emotions big in every direction and bring much laughter and joy daily to our lives! You, just like all of our children,  reflect Daddy's and my love for you most perfectly. We love you, our Emily Louise!

Jesus <3

Joey was blessed by his godmother and got to spend the last week at an amazing catholic camp.  I spent lots of time praying about whether he should go, and really felt that he should.  He was adamently excited about it from the first time we told him!  I was actually shocked and surprised at his confidence. Here I was thinking, an entire week without my joey, how can that be? And he's like, it will be so fun, I can't wait!  In fact,  the days leading up to camp, Ina was very sad that joey was going to be gone.  I heard her often say, joey I'm going to miss you so much and be so sad.  And he'd reply, but I'm not going to miss you, I'll be too busy having fun! At drop off, he confidently said goodbye, even with Ina clinging to him and crying alligator tears.  He was so excited for his camp adventure!

I'm sure there are many more blessings that we've yet to find out, but some of the most amazing things that happened were:

- One of the priests told me, your son likes to read the bible more than any boy his age that I've ever seen!  He told me that he'd be reading the evening prayers and joey would go and get his bible, and look up where he's reading and follow right along.  I was thinking, wow, joey must have had alot of help because he's not a strong reader, but it still touched my heart.  In fact, I almost didn't send a bible with him because I didn't want him to get frustrated by how hard it was to read.... so we are driving home on the long ride home and joey gets out his bible and says, I left off on John 6... he flips it open and starts reading it perfectly.  With fluency and everything.  I was shocked.  He struggled so much with reading, and would pause and sound out every word before he left for camp. And here he was reading from the bible out loud like it was no big deal? ! Evidently he just needed a week sitting around reading the bible to become an amazing reader. I'm so excited for him, especially since I knew that his reading skills being behind were going to be a real challenge with him starting school this fall. I'm glad he will have this extra confidence boost to help him.

- upon pickup, we had mass together at the camp.  There was also mass on Sunday drop off. The small, rustic loveliness of mass at a campsite, even though it was HOT, reminded me so much of the little things that brought me to the church and made me want to be Catholic.  I'm so glad for my kids that they got to experience mass in that way, too. Mass at St joes is lovely, but there's something about the small intimate mass that is very powerful.  I noticed that during the drop off mass, most people received communion on the tongue, often kneeling.  I always receive communion on the tongue,  and this is something we've talked to joey about a little, but since he's only just made his first communion a couple months ago, and they "taught" him to receive in the hand, he has been really focused on the method and not been able to get beyond that.  When during the mass on the last day, joey received Jesus on the tongue, I cried.  His reverence, love, and understanding had all increased so much in that week, and I could tell just by watching him receive communion.  Thank you Jesus! 

We are so blessed to be Catholic, and my kids are so blessed that they get to be raised in the faith since before they were born, they were Catholic. Joey is amazingly blessed with such a great godmother, I'm so glad we heard God's call to make her his godmother. I keep this in mind and close to my heart as we are currently discerning who to ask to be godparents to Robin. <3 p="">

Oh, and he was wrong. He missed all of us.  But he also can't wait to go back to camp again next year! 

What I really want to say on fb sometimes

So, there are many times I think of things I'd like to say on facebook, you know, if nobody was reading or if the readers actually understood. Because I know people do genuinely care, but sometimes that just doesn't help, and I don't want to post something looking like I'm just trying to get attention or that I'm not thankful for our sweet baby.  I'm just being whiney, so feel free to ignore this post, which will be easy since I'm pretty certain no one reads my blog. Sweet!  :p

Like today, I'd just like to say: today is a day that I'm very thankful that I carry puke bags with me.  My supply now needs replenishing. And I'm very sorry to whoever empties the trash that I dumped said vomit filled bags in. :(

Yesterday, I was just feeling very mopey. One of the meds I'm on has mood side effects, and while I haven't experienced anything major, I have noticed that it's harder for me to get out of bed and harder for me to be my usual happy self. But yeah, tried to skip a dose of that med yesterday to improve my spirits and then today happened.  Vomiting in public vs.  Being mopey.  I shall mope! It burns your throat and sinuses much less than violent vomiting.  And is way less humiliating than puking in public. 

Oh,and what's awful, is after puking up restaurant food that I just spent 12 freaking dollars on, all I want to do is cry, because that's 12 dollars in my vomit bag. Dammit.

On a positive note, I do totally appreciate friends who check in and ask me how I am, even if I can't come up with any better answer than I'm ok. It really does make my day. 

And friends that have had the pleasure of watching me vomit in public, I'm sorry.  I'd really like to give you a thumbs up and smile and say I'm ok.  It's not as bad as it looks.  I've got this.  I have a whole plan of action for vomiting in public now.  It's still far from graceful, but I do have to say it is way more awesome than pregnant with Ina and vomiting literally all over an entire restaurant. I've got puke skills now that nobody else can replicate ;) nor would I really want anyone else to develop said skills.

And then there's joey and Ina....who nonchalantly say, oh moms puking again.  Ina who says, wow good job mom that's a whole lot of puke! Joey who goes to get me a washcloth and water for when I'm done puking. They're awesome, my little blessings. 

And I'll just end with this sweetness. My sleep fighting super girl Emily is asleep.  Party! ...except she's insistent on cuddles.  I'll just be right here, snuggling my sweet baby girl and hoping Robin doesn't decide that it's time for round 10 in mamas vomit day. 

HG adventures

So, while this pregnancy has been milder HG in comparison to my others, it has not been without complication!

For the last week I've been dealing with extreme itchiness from the pump sites. They always were itchy but not like this. Something had just changed with my body and I knew it wasn't right.  I was having deep deep internal itching.  Then a few days later the itching spread, then hives began, then hives began to spread up my neck... I would take benadryl to relieve the symptoms and they would return in the same order time after time after time.  It was awful.  I talked to many nurses, the pharmacist. All thought it would be incredibly rare to develop an allergy to the zofran now, but not impossible. Finally Friday I spoke to a doctor that felt strongly it was the zofran, wanted me to stop with the zofran and benadryl immediately.  I got put on high dose steroids as my allergic reaction had progressed so far, and I'm now trying a new to me oral med for vomiting, reglan. I'm not sure how it's working because right now my body is whipped up on these steroids, so it will be at least a week before I have even a slight idea. 

I still keep having where's my pump-itis? Any time I move, freaking out trying to figure out where it is so I don't pull it out of me and then I remember oh its gone.  It's not gone forever though. They're giving me two weeks to see how I do keeping down the oral reglan or they will try reglan in the pump.  In the mean time, my skin has began to shed off and peel in thick layers where my allergic reaction was happening.  Totally gross, but interesting, too.

Just pray for my healing.  I know I'll get through this and we will hopefully find a regimen that works :) but it is also mentally and physically exhausting!

Puzzled

Many days, I feel like I am a puzzle.  One of those really old puzzles that's jumbled up in a box with missing pieces and pieces from other puzzles mixed in.  The one you just can't bring yourself to throw away, yet, you could never put it together even if you tried.

I've felt a total mess with my health the last year.  It's actually calmed down substantially since getting pregnant, but some days I still feel like it's still spinning out of control.  A perfect jumbled mess of pieces. And then I remember, but I am put together, because God holds me together especially amidst everything. 

I am so blessed to have a great God. I am exhausted just thinking about the next week and doctors appointments that are involved, but I will get through it.  God already knows all the answers and I'm still here and breathing and alive, so life is good!

HG Awareness Day - May 15, 2015

Me with 4 of my babies, Joey, 8, Ina, 4, Emily, 14 months, and Tummy Baby 12 weeks - and the strap to my Zofran pump! 

A year ago, I wrote the below about my past experience with hyperemesis gravidarum. I was not sure if I was going to just reshare this again or of I would be able to share a little more, so you'll have to excuse my wording and being slightly verbose. It's very difficult to write about suffering when you're in the midst of the fog!

God has blessed our family tremendously and I'm now 13.5 weeks pregnant with another sweet baby and suffering from mild hyperemesis gravidarum again. I say "mild", but using that term to describe hg is laughable. As in, I'm only mildly vomiting all over myself multiple times a day instead of severely!  HG is something that is still greatly misunderstood, by other individuals, doctors, and many birth professionals.  The things that I have been told or heard during some of my pregnancies are just absolutely hurtful. And let me tell you, HG is real and my suffering is real despite what misinformation you may have been told about HG. IT IS NOT JUST MORNING SICKNESS.

I've been blessed to find an extremely HG knowledgeable OB this time, and having his support and willingness to implement early intervention given my pregnancy history has been absolutely a huge component to me only suffering mildly instead of as much as I have other pregnancies.  I've been taking the Lauricidin supplement since before I got pregnant, and it has definitely helped me some. It doesn't get rid of the HG by any means, but even slight improvement is a welcome improvement!  Anything that helps even a little is worth doing.

I have a zofran pump that I wear 24/7. Yes, even in the shower. This pregnancy I've only had to get fluids in the hospital and not at home so far and I'm so thankful for that, but if that changes I can get them at home if I need to.  I'm 100% thankful for the home fluids I got with Emily when I needed them, but I'm super glad to not need constant IVs or a PICC line for fluids and nutrition.  And I've only gone days without eating this time instead of months and that is such a blessing not only physically but also emotionally. Starvation messes with your mind in ways that you can't describe and can cause anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Coping is difficult. HG can have long term physical consequences for mom and baby.  Even though most HG moms and babies do not develop complications and many professionals will even regard the constant barfing as a "Good sign that the hormones are strong!" Many babies have problems with their baby teeth from HG malnutrition, and the risk of premature birth is slightly higher in HG moms.  Lasting problems for mom can vary greatly, but there are definitely many that suffer psychologically during pregnancy and after.  I know of many moms that experienced their kidneys or liver shutting down from severe hyperemesis, or that developed blood clots or acquired new bleeding disorders from HG. I'm not wanting to put all of my medical information out there, but this describes me just as much as other HG sufferers.

So, I suffer silently for the most part.  If people see me and ask how I am, I will still reply basic answers, like, "I'm okay." Really, I am ok. I am blessed growing a sweet baby and for that I am so thankful.  Yes, I might puke on myself. Alot.  At any moment, I'm trying to keep myself from vomiting.  Maybe someone just walked in the room that smells like a restaurant.  Maybe I'm starving because I haven't kept anything down in days, but the idea of vomiting another food is trauma on its own.  Maybe I actually just ate and so far kept that food down!  But the digestive system slows while you're pregnant, and if I don't keep my mental concentration on not vomiting,  I might vomit right there and lose the only food I've kept down in days.  Might even vomit on you or if you're lucky I'll be able to grab a vomit bag out of my purse, diaper bag, or pocket.  And I'll probably pee myself too from how violently I puke. None of which are on the list of things I want to do while I'm alone, much less in public! If you're around me and I'm actually eating, don't you dare bring up puking. Gah!

So I'm not lying when I say I'm ok. In comparison to Emily's and Joey's pregnancies, I am okay! If I keep things in my messed up HG perspective, I know my suffering could be much worse so I keep a smile on my face and a positive attitude - most of the time!  :) most people do not ask me directly about the pregnancy, but even then I'll give pretty basic answers to prevent all of the above.  I just can't sit here and tell you I've changed my clothes 6 times today so far because of puke and not puke.  I'm grateful daily that the HG is "mild" this time, because mild HG and having a 14 month old, 4 year old, and 8 year old who need mommy is more than enough! If you really want to know how I am, it's substantially easier for me to reply to a text or email with real answers because I can reply when I know I'm not on the verge of puking.  Please don't tell me how great I look from the weight I've lost while vomiting or that you're jealous of my loose clothing.  I would give anything to gain weight while pregnant!

So yes.  HG sucks.  It is miserable. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is awful to not feel good during what should be an awesome time.  But do I really want to talk about it while I'm going through it?  Nope. So if you want to offer to help us out with the kids or around the house or with meals, I do appreciate each and every little thing that friends and family have done for us especially during my pregnancies. The support you give to us helps me relax and just focus on loving my kids and growing this baby.

Please pray for women who are suffering from HG.

Here's what I wrote a year ago:

Me the day I got off of home health IV fluids during Emily's pregnancy.

"Today is Hyperemesis Gravidarum awareness day. For women like myself who have had HG, it takes what is supposed to be a huge blessing and very happy time and fills it with vomiting, nausea, rapid weight loss, dehydration, malnutrition... I honestly have a hard time even sharing about this, I still gag on certain foods and there are many I cannot even attempt to eat because of how violently I threw them up. Heck, there are still foods from Joey's and Ina's pregnancies that I cannot eat, and they are 3 and 7 years old. There are different "levels" of HG, even from pregnancy to pregnancy with the same woman. I can only hope and pray that if we are blessed with future pregnancies, I do not have HG, or if I do, they're like my easiest pregnancy, Ina's, where I only threw up once or twice daily the entire time. Easy peasy compared to my others! Perspective...

Today though I ask you to please pray daily for all of those women who are currently suffering from HG, especially those who are being offered "therapeutic termination" of their pregnancy - which if you look on the HER website, it is a staggering 20% of HG pregnancies that end in abortion. It is one of the saddest things for me having connected with other moms who have HG online, seeing how many women decide to have abortions because the current therapies are not enough to bring mom relief. It is so very, very hard. Even on home health and daily fluids, nausea meds, etc, I still could barely walk around, wash my own hair, or even get up to puke. And thank you, for all of the friends, family, and care providers that were amazing to me during one or all of my pregnancies. I could tag people, but it would be too many. My babies may not know it, but they have you to thank you for their lives and I have you to thank for mine, too. You all almost make up for the poor treatment I got from care providers, the doctors who offered me abortion, the times I had to argue with doctors in ERs about needing fluids... being sent back HOME because the doctor wanted to go to lunch before seeing me, when I was super dehydrated and tried to transfer to an OB to get on home health during Emily's pregnancy.... I could go on and on and on. Some of the instances are just too hard for me to think about or even write about.

So, please, pray for the women who have HG, pray for the sweet babies who have never made it to earth to take their first breath because of HG (either because of miscarriage, or abortion), pray for the friends and family members of those suffering, and pray for all of the doctors who are researching to find better therapies than currently exist. I'd also like to add that at the end of my pregnancy, I got some relief from a supplement called Lauricidin. After taking it for a week, it was the first time ever I had been pregnant and not also nauseated - in all of my pregnancies. I still threw up some, but it did offer me tremendous relief and I was able to come almost completely off the antinausea meds in the last month of my pregnancy except for after an occasional violent puke. There is some research being done about other pharmaceuticals that may help in pregnancy, but I personally do not feel confident enough from what I've read to share about them yet.

If you know someone with HG, call, email, show up and help. It might seem like it is very little or not enough, but if you just show up and help a little every time, it really is huge. Some of the things that helped me most were people dropping lunch off on the porch for my kids, people who came in and folded laundry or did a load of dishes, friends who watched my kids while I got stabbed for the 10th time that day to get an IV in place. It might seem small, but it is not."

I was asked recently if having another pregnancy so soon, specifically one with home health, was too traumatizing and if I was okay? I thought for a second, and even though my baby belly is now a new battle zone of bruises, bumps, and Zofran needle scars, I do not feel that traumatized in regards to that part - because Harley did such a beautiful job covering my scars with her beautiful henna, and I got to take these beautiful belly photos thanks to Lisa. Even though I know the bruises and scars were still there underneath the editing and the henna, it was very healing for me. So thank you both.

Hope

Beautiful, heartbreaking story. This poem her daughter wrote is beautiful, and I can so relate.

"Hope

There is a little piece of glitter following me around

I see it on the carpet and I see it on the ground

that’s been following me for quite some time

guess I never noticed it before

But I know what it means, that little glitter on the floor

It’s hope.

It’s not coincidence, nope, it’s hope.

And I know that I’ve failed you

yeah I know I’ve been untrue

but that glitter on the floor

tells me it doesn’t matter any more

Cuz’ no matter how many times I fail

I’ve got hope.

This time, I’m gonna be better

and I know there’s stormy weather

Please believe in me

I will solve this mystery

and I will show you

to have hope.

It’s not coincidence, nope, it’s hope.

Someday that glitter will shine

Gonna write my rhyme until the time.

My heart’s beatin’ outta my chest

I wanna rest but that don’t impress

I gotta fight this urge

gotta get the electricity surge

I know I can do it

Beat my demons

appreciate the seasons.

I hope, hope, hope I can do it too

make all my wildest dreams come true."

It's official "HG". BOO...

So, tummy baby is about 10.5 weeks. I've been having a hard time getting excited for baby, and having every little thing knock me down into a state of fear.  We are so blessed for this baby, and God knows all about this baby and I trust Him, so I should not worry. Easier said than done.

I was really hoping that I'd escape the "HG" diagnosis this pregnancy.  Up until a week ago, I was still just labeled as "nausea and vomiting during pregnancy." Still gross, but the only HG on my record was "History of HG." It is only natural for me to wish that I won't get it.  But, I've come to terms with it, here I am in my 5th HG pregnancy.  Wow. 6th pregnancy, but my last loss was so early I hadn't developed my usual pregnancy disposition yet.

I've only dropped about 20 pounds... 28 total if you count the 8 pounds I gained in the early days of this pregnancy.  It's so small compared to my other pregnancies weight loss, but that combined with the incessant puking is enough to put me back in the HG category again.  Part of me wants to fall on the ground and cry about this, but most of me is glad that it is not as severe as it could be.  There are worse things to be dealing with and I have survived HG before so I can get through it again.  My sweet babies are worth it and every life is a gift. It's all a perspective thing. I'm sure most normal mom's would consider this pregnancy awful, but because I have felt what MORE AWFUL HG is like, more than once, I can take it comparatively and say, eh, its not that bad.  I'm still able to function and leave the house most days, as well as many other things I'm thankful that I can do that I couldn't during other pregnancies.

Last night I threw up violently after eating dinner.  I was taking a shower, and suddenly had to puke, and it was awful.  I had vomit go up my sinuses and had bits of my dinner stuck in my sinuses after. it was just awful.  I couldn't breath. I'm feeling very traumatized today.  I have stuck to smoothies and Gatorade and soft foods today and taken medications even more than usual just to make sure I don't puke when my esophagus and throat and sinuses are all still so raw.  I pretty much don't want to ever eat again.  But I know from past experience that I will and have to. But ugh... I won't be eating THAT dinner anytime for a few years...

And for the record, I have the best husband. he has cleaned up puke pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnancy.  And it seems as time goes on, my ability to control when it hits is even worse.  The mess that I made last night while suffocating and having vomited food fly through my sinuses was really awful. And Rob cleaned it all up without even complaining... so to anyone that ever thinks my hubby does not do enough.  I guarantee he has cleaned up more disgusting bodily fluid messes than most human beings!

Ironically, I've felt the best mood wise than I have in over a year.  Yaaay, hormones. Happy hormones.  Sometimes, when they aren't being moody hormones. Ha ha.

We have so many great things happening and are so very busy trying to do them all and keep up with everything that is always happening in our daily lives.  It can be overwhelming, but I am thankful. Thankful despite the traumatizing vomit and this baby is growing. 

In Memory of my Grammie

To many, she was known as Evy. To me, she was the fabulous lady that I was blessed to call my Grammie for the last almost 31 years. She lived to be almost 97 years old and inspired many along the way, with her joyful laughter, persistence, red lipstick, and love for God and for all of us. That love, that's what Grammie was all about.  And even now as she remains in our hearts and minds as a memory, it is that love that she gave that remains.

We had the memorial service for Grammie last Friday.  Family traveled from all around the United States to gather in Charleston, South Carolina to celebrate her life. I had told my aunt in advance that I wanted to read something at the memorial - that I didn't think I could just speak from my heart like I had at my Papa's funeral, as I knew I needed to hold myself together to a certain extent if I did not want to experience definite catastrophe with my 3 kids present.  Because if mama starts crying, they surely would have all started up too! Even so, my plan was not perfect, but it is the best I could think of that I could still honor my Grammie and keep my kids emotions to a minimum.

I told my Aunt Polly that I needed some thing to read.  Her and my dad had been looking through my Grammies things and found a journal from about 15 years ago, and the first entry in it was perfect.  It encompassed everything Grammie was to all of us -thankful, joyful, silly, loyal to her husband, loving mother, and so much more.  It worked out that Emily fell asleep in the car and transferred into the sling, so I kept her in the ring sling asleep on my chest while I read from Gram's journal.  As I read, I could hear Grammie's voice and how she would have read this journal out loud, and evidently that transferred to how I read it because I had many tell me I "sounded just like Evy" reading it. Despite my best laid plans, I sat down to Ina, who was sobbing in a puddle of tears and cried out in her sweet little 4 year old voice, "But I wanted to invite Grammie to my next birthday party and now she can't come!!" She continued to cry a bit and Rob and I took turns passing her and Emily, who was awakened from Ina's crying,  back and forth. After the service Ina told Rob that she should have gotten to talk about Grammie on stage too just like the other grandkids did too. I was honored for Grammie that two of my cousins got up and spoke to remember Grammie after I was done. Their sweet stories touched my children especially who have known Grammie only too briefly!

Grammie's journal pages that I read:

"My Gratitude Book: 

6/97 Grateful for Pete and Polly. Appreciate calls from them since we are far apart. 

Thank you, God, for my life and my longevity. Mother died at 72+. Lois died at 72+. Most of my aunts on the Kheil side died in their 60's. 

Thank you for a home and beds and clean linens. 

Grateful for a wash machine and dryer. 

Grateful for a car to take me where we want to go. 

Grateful that Johnny is such a wonderful driver. 

Thank you Lord for being there for me. For giving your life on the cross for me! Thank you Jesus for being my best friend. 

Grateful for many friends who care about me. 

Grateful for friends at the church. 

I'm grateful for good food, fruits grown in California. 

I'm grateful for all the gifts we've received down through the years. 
25th anniversary - Silver. 
50th anniversary - Gold. 
Birthday gifts
Christmas gifts
Mothers day
Fathers day
Other anniversaries

I'm grateful for the great weather we have in Southern California. 

We love the ocean view from our condo. 

We're thankful for being able to have and drive decent cars. 

We're grateful for being able to buy and use our Lawrence Welk time share which we have owned for 8 years. We've been able to share the timeshare with family and friends. We were able to celebrate or 50th anniversary there with friends and family. What a great time and we will be forever grateful for that time - Nov. 18. 1945. 

One of the things I am most thankful for is that Johnny has saved us thousands of dollars by being able and capable of repairing everything. He is mechanically inclined so is also able to take care of cars except for large problems. I'm talking about stoves, refrigerators, washers, dryers, toilets, some plumbing, disposals, etc. In Illinois, he took care of the yard, the garden, sewers, etc. 

Pete was a big help in the yard when we were in Ill. We were able to save a lot of money because Pete and Polly did a lot in and out of the house. Shoveling snow was a big chore in Northbrook, Ill. One of the jobs I also helped with. Thanks to God for good health. - 1970s and 1980s."

Ina was very excited to share all of the strawberry jam she made with Grammie's recipe.  I made a brief announcement at the reception, telling everyone that it was Grammie's recipe, and that one of my memories whenever we visited her was having her homemade strawberry jam on English muffins every morning. We sent everyone home with at least one jar so that they could experience that memory of Grammie again. :) I got asked thousands of times by Ina on this trip if I remembered the jam. Yes, dear, I remembered!

One really neat thing that Grammie did for every grandchild, (all 7 of us!), is she kept boxes of memories from the time that we were born all the way until a few years ago, in addition to a "Grandmother Remembers" book with the Mathews family history and memories from Grammie and Papa's early lives. My box had some cool things like a newspaper article I was in with my Grammie, my first dance recital program, even some art work that joey had given her when we had come to visit when he was 2 or 3, printed out copies of emails I had sent them. It was really sweet to receive this box of memories.  They were my memories too, but it was different as these were all her memories of me from her perspective.  She told us all that she had prayed daily for us, but "only since the day we were born." lol :) I really love this idea and I would love it if my mom or my mother in law did this for our children to have one day.

All in all, it was very nice to have all of the Froehlich and Mathews gathered together to celebrate her life.  I enjoyed looking through the many well organized and labeled photos from my Grammie's life - I even found out that they went on vacation to Jacksonville early in their marriage and found that my Ina looks identical to my Grammie's sister, Lois. We are all excited for the new babies that are joining our family this year - Dream and Carver are expecting a baby boy in July, and us expecting another sweet baby in November. Sharing the joy of babies on the way with family who were truly excited was a wonderful blessing of this trip.

The Froehlich's and the Ascher's

Some of the Cillpam's

We closed our trip to South Carolina by stopping at an air show on the way home. Joey's favorite thing, and my favorite memory of something I did with my Grammie and Papa. It was the perfect end to our weekend. 

blessed for the vomit

It's one of those things that if you've only ever had "normal" pregnancies, you won't get.  And even mom's who have been through HG and some of the other many health complications I've had, often times cannot even relate. But I just feel blessed. By every stressful complication. Every stressful vomit that makes me worry about my baby.  Every tiny little "abnormal" thing.... to me, they are just tiny reminders of the life I am blessed with.  Most would laugh if they saw the reality of my pregnancy and me calling this one easy compared to the last 5. But easy or medium or hard, it doesn't matter.  I am still equally blessed.

Intuition

God guides our intuition and there is much to be said about that.  Exhausted, but that just comes to mind. Always trust God. And always trust that inner voice.

Happy Easter!

Lighting a candle and praying for Grammie. Joey's idea.

Meet the newest member of our family: Spotlight. (or Spot-white, depending on who you ask)

Ina convinced Dada that they needed a pet bunny. She loves and adores this little baby bunny.