Saturday, October 1, 2016

Talk about my Baby Alexius

I've contemplated, prayed about, and thought greatly about what I want to share this month, and I may share more later too. It's hard for me to share about my miscarriages -- there is so much misunderstanding and with misunderstanding, there comes so much judgement that I've experienced alot of, and that makes me want to close up and not share. Other moms need to know that they're not alone though, and the only way that attitudes towards pregnancy and infant loss will change is by talking about it, so here is a tiny bit of my heart.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. I've been that 1 in 4 - many times. I have children that you may never see but I miss and love and think about every day.

Yesterday actually just passed an "anniversary" -- the due date of one of our baby's we lost to miscarriage. Every passing due date I have a moment of pause and think, I'd have another child that would be "x" years old right now, if that pregnancy had gone to term. What would that child be like? Would they like trucks? Or princesses? Would they eat their vegetables? I naturally compare them to my other kids that age, but I know in my heart they would be very different. I also take pause on the passing of my loss date, the day I found out I was miscarrying. Another sad day. When you have so many babies that you've lost to miscarriage like I do, the number of these passing anniversaries end up piling up to being alot of days throughout the year, sometimes it can be overwhelming.

So yesterday was the due date for our baby that we named Alexius Timothy. He was concieved immediately prior to Robin, and lost early in the first trimester. His due date gives me special pause because he would be one... but also, because, if we hadn't lost his pregnancy, Robin wouldn't have ever been concieved. And especially since then Robin ended up coming EARLY, now Alexius' due date and Robin's birthday are actually only like 3 weeks apart instead of the almost 8 weeks they would have been, which is really weird for me when I sat and thought about it yesterday. And so while we of course mourn for our baby that we lost, there's of course the part of my heart that is thankful that God obviously had a plan, because Robin clearly was intended for our family. So... that is just a brief, short, ONE of my angel baby's stories.

If you've experienced a pregnancy/infant loss and you're sitting alone and in silence, please don't. Reach out to someone and talk about your baby. It doesn't have to be me, but if you want it to be me, it can be. I know how much it hurts to sit alone and in silence and to feel like no one understands.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

4 Babies, 4000 Pukes?

Today is Hyperemesis gravidarum awareness day... and half of me thinks 4000 pukes might be an overestimate, but the more I think about it, probably not! I have puked MANY TIMES.  

I have 4 sweet blessed living babies.  They are 9, 5, 2, and 6 months. I have also had numerous heartbreakingly hard miscarriages, some definitely related to HG and some I may never know the cause.

There is no known cause for hyperemesis gravidarum and there is no known cure. That also means that well meaning advice of "xyz simple thing worked for my morning sickness" might be really really hurtful and offensive to a HG mom. If you know someone with HG, please be gentle with your words.

My HG journey really begins with a second trimester miscarriage that I speak of very little.  It's a loss I keep close to my heart. My OB didn't believe that I needed any intervention including anti nausea medications for my constant vomiting since I was an overweight person to begin with, and my body went into ketosis and was in danger very early in the pregnancy.  Since it was my first pregnancy, I didn't tell people early, and lost the baby early in the second trimester likely from malnutrition.

Shortly after,  I was pregnant with my son who is my now 9 year old son.  I had moderately to severe HG with him, and felt I suffered a great deal.  I had multiple ER visits for fluids and lived on Zofran and could not get out of bed without vomiting.  My OB didn't believe me that I had HG until a MFM doctor told her otherwise and at that point i had spiraled so far down with non-treatment, that it was hard to recover.  Most of my pregnancy memories consist of, I went to this place and I vomited there and then I went to this place and I vomited there too... I was really traumatized from his pregnancy.  I puked all over my work multiple times, our car a few times.  I pretty much lost all of my dignity and then some.  I finally gave birth and had my baby, and was in such shock... I suffered greatly postpartum with him from depression, anxiety, and PTSD, all that can be related back into the HG.

Next came our 5 year old,  who was my "easiest" pregnancy.  I only puked at least once daily with her. But I still have many memories of pulling over on the highway and barfing on the side of the road as traffic sped by... as I also peed my pants of course. Yay, reality of pelvic floor and multiple kids! Gah! I mean...gag.

My 2 year old was one of my toughest HG pregnancies. I had home IV fluids, a Zofran pump, and could still barely walk for months.  It was awful, sad, and devastating. I look back on it and think, how did I do that? I really don't know. Somehow God gave me the strength.  I really looked like death in photos though... and after I gave birth I had a few neighbors tell me they thought I was dying or something because of how awful I looked. It is no joke the toll that HG takes on your body.  It is painful and real and life consuming.  It consumes the life out of the mother until the baby is born, and then it takes many years for the mom to heal. I still suffer from vitamin deficiencies from this pregnancy, and many of those deficiencies also contributed in an increase in my anxiety also.

Last, my 6 month old's pregnancy was a difficult HG pregnancy but in a different way from my 2 year old's. I did start out with the home IV fluids and Zofran pump, but developed an allergic reaction to Zofran and had to move to Reglan and Phenergan. After I did this, when I was in my third trimester I had an episode where I vomited in my sleep and aspirated my vomit, causing myself to have aspiration pneumonia. I was lucky I had an excellent family doctor advocating for me. I was hospitalized for nearly 2 weeks with a variety treatments, but even after discharge spent the rest of my pregnancy under treatment for my lungs and ultimately delivered my baby prematurely which may or may not have been related (I also had other health issues, but he was my first premature baby).

I've lost varying amounts of weight with every pregnancy, from 30 to over 100 pounds  (5-30% of my body weight). I've had other miscarriages in between many of my pregnancies, but the details are not HG relevant, so they're not included here.

If you know someone with HG, show up and help them, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem, I promise it does not seem small and insignificant to them.  Some of the smallest acts of kindness are the ones I remember years later. Thank you to everyone who has blessed my family during our pregnancies,  we could not have survived without your support. We are survivors because you helped us!

Please pray for moms suffering from HG, and their babies, and their families.  Something we have to do is advocate for ourselves constantly when we are sick.  It shouldn't be this way but it is.  Many of us are offered "therapeutic abortions" for our wanted, loved babies as a way to end the suffering from HG. Pray for moms who have suffered from HG in the past too, for healing, because the trauma does not just leave your heart when your baby is born.  Healing takes time and effort and work. 

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Half a year! Robin is 6 months!



Well, we've blinked and now we have a 9 year old, a 5 year old, a 2 year old, and a 6 month old. They are all growing and changing and learning so fast. I do not have all his stats, because his 6 month well check is next week, so I'll update this next week.

Today, Robin is 6 months old.  He has 6 teeth, making him my 2nd toothiest baby. Joey still wins for making it to 6 months with 8 teeth. Teeth 7 and 8 are not far from coming through also for Robin and this mama is eager for that to happen. He is a fast teether, but he is also a biter. He bites while he nurses consistently and it is exhausting.  He also is a saliva factory thanks to teething and his favorite saliva activity is bubble blowing. All day long, he blows bubbles with his spit. He's such a silly baby.  I started calling him "Bubbles" as a nickname a few months ago when he started this and now the kids all call him this and sometimes when other people call him by his actual name they correct him and say, "No, his name is bubbles." Haha. He knows he is Robin though too.

I still am pumping and giving him three fortified bottles a day, and the girls especially enjoy helping with those feeds (not just my girls, but any visiting friends too, hehe). He is thriving and doing great though so hopefully we will be able to cut back on that soon.

He is seriously the happiest giggliest baby I have ever known in all my life. We were at the doctor the other day for me and I had him wrapped and he was just laughing hysterically like a loud crazy hyena. Not for any reason, just because I was smiling at him.

He likes to grab his feet and rub the sides of his belly when he does not have clothes on (I think it tickles) :) Robin loves to be held and loved by all his friends and family. The only person he is still a bit reluctantly cautious about is Emmy and well she is an unpredictable 2 year old that is having to share her Mommy with Robin, so he has all the reason to be cautious! They have their sweet moments too though.

He has just started to roll a little bit.  He does a bit of a half roll.  He will lift his body up when he's on my chest and he is very strong especially for being an early babe and all that he went through! Occasionally when I meet another baby that was born full term around the same time as him, my heart does sink a bit, but he is simply perfection.  He will get there at his own pace, and in the mean time he will snuggle and giggle and blow bubbles at me.  What more could I ask for? :)

He is such love! We are so blessed.