Joseph Michael's Birth Story

I knew I had written down Joey's birth story somewhere. It is still painful for me to remember 8 years later. I found this I wrote when he was in the NICU.

So on April 3rd, I went into an appointment with my OB that had been moved up because of the appointment I had with the high risk specialist the day before, who recommended that I be induced before 40 weeks because of my blood pressure and asthma complications and if I went past 40 weeks he thought they'd definitely continue in their downward movement and put my life and the baby's life at risk. Plus i was still violently barfing dozens of times per day from the HG. The thing was, my OB still had April 20th as my due date - but the specialist had April 5th. I was sure of my ovulation date from charting and I knew the April 5 date was accurate. Anyway, we went into this appointment and I was quite nervous about having to argue about the dates and things, because I KNEW this baby was ready to be born, and I think considering all the bedrest and health problems my entire pregnancy has brought me, I had been very patient until this point. I brought my hubby with me just in case I needed him. Anyway, we sat down and discussed, my blood pressure was up to 155/105, I am sure was partly anxiety. She said she'd check to see if I'm dilated at all, and that would determine if and when they induce, because she'd really like to avoid a c-section and if they induce me with my cervix totally closed, the chance of needing a c-section would be much higher. so she checked me and I was 3 cm and 50 percent effaced. She decides to send me to the hospital and induce me right then, especially given my blood pressure this morning. She had a little squabble about the dates for a bit, and then was like, you know this isn't really professional, it doesn't matter, by any of the dates he's considered full term, and by the last ultrasound (done the day before), he's 8lbs 4oz, so already plenty large.

we go over to the hospital, check in at 11:15am, and get settled in the room. my MIL came over to stay with me while my husband ran home and got my hospital bag and a few other things and gave our dog one last walk from him (his brother took care of her while we were in the hospital). they started me on pictocin at 12, which started up the contractions - I could feel them, but they weren't painful, just uncomfortable, which was good since my MIL was still there. my hubby got back about 2:30, my MIL went back to work, and then at 3 my OB came in a broke my water. The combination of my water breaking and the increase in the pictocin made my contractions get long and strong and very painful very fast. I literally went from smiling one contraction to crying the next because it was such a drastic change and hurt so bad. My diastolic number on my blood pressure went nuts at this point, up to 215/124 at the highest. As I had pre-discussed with my OB, I would have an epidural because of my high risk for needing a c-section and we needed to avoid general anesthesia if at all possible because of my asthma - she would not have even agreed to a trial of labor without this ridiculous agreement. So they called for the anesthesiologist at this point, and prepared to give me the epidural at about 4:30. I was literally shaking and crying from the pain and nothing my husband or the nurse did could calm me down. They decided to unplug the pictocin drip while they did the epidural to lessen my pain some (or at least prevent it from increasing). Even without the pictocin, my contractions continued to be very painful. I sat on the edge of the bed leaning on the nurse who was way too damn short and tiny (Rob tried to stand to let me lean on him and they wouldn't let me husband stand there for risk he'd faint or something which turned out to be BS because after an hour of them trying, my husband gave up on sitting anyway). The first anesthesiologist tried 8 times with the epidural needle and couldn't get it into the spaces. She kept hitting my spine and it hurt like HELL and i was just screaming and screaming. So I was constantly restuck with more numbing medicine, and then stabbed until I screamed when she hit my bone. She also didn't look at the monitor, and was practically timing when she got to my spine with the peaks of my contractions, which was god-awful. They paged the senior anesthesiologist, who said he was in the OR and would be up there as soon as he could. They tried to lay me back down, and he was up there in about 10 mins. He was bitchy and grumpy when he got there and was like "Let's do this now, I don't have time for this Shit!" well, he did a much better job poking at me when I wasn't contracting, but it still took him four tries before he got it in. when he finally got it in, I was so relieved because i was shaking beyond all other and had felt like I was going to puke/faint multiple times. My back looked like (and still looks like) swiss cheese.

Shortly after, I wasn't feeling the pain from the contractions as badly, but my BP was still very high and i was having labored breathing. They gave me medication for my blood pressure through my iV, and steroids for my asthma. They also gave me my regular dose of medications for the evening. The OB came in and checked me around 9:30pm and I was dilated to 5 cm and 90 percent effaced. They had me lay on my left side and put in a catheter so I didn't have to move or get out of bed unnecessarily. i had agreed to get the damn epidural so she would "let" me try labor, but did not use it except for that first dose of meds that came through. I didn't want me or my baby to have that crap. at 11 I closed my eyes and rested for about an hour, remembering that rest and relaxation was the best thing to help my body progress. I woke up at 12:15 with intense pressure and pain at the peak of my contractions, so i pressed the call button, the nurse came in and checked me and surprisingly, I was fully dilated and ready to push. We spent about an hour pushing before they paged my OB, who came over, and i pushed through four more contractions with her there and baby joseph was born at 2:03am on April 4th. my holy Thursday baby. She put him on my tummy when he was born and he was so beautiful, and screaming his little head off, too. Robby cut the cord, and they took joey over to the bassinet that was about 3 feet away from me, and i could still see almost everything without my glasses on. Robby wandered back and forth between me and baby for the next few minutes. Joey's first apgar was 7, because he was having low shallow breathing, but the next one was a 9. He weighed 8lbs, 3.9oz and was 24.2 inches long. I had a second degree tear, and my OB began to stitch me up. She evidently did not believe that I hadn't used the epidural meds and started to stitch me up with no numbing agent.She said she could give me numbing agent, but was almost done anyway, so I bit my tongue through about 1 minute of stitch pain to avoid another shot. My first memories of Joey are accompanied by me crawling up the table screaming from her stitching me. Ergh. Joey continued to cry the whole time they assessed, measured, and cleaned him up. My OB joked that he was crying because it "wasn't his due date" and i said, yup, not either of them, haha.

They handed joey to robby, and the look on robby's face was the best memory ever. It was the moment i wished we had someone else in the birthing room so they could've taken a picture. At first it was like, "Oh Shit, they gave me this baby, and he's screaming, and I don't know what to do." Robby started to talk to him, and rub his back, and sure enough, he stopped crying. Then there was this look of relief on Robby's face that said "Hey, maybe I can do this..." Robby sat in a chair next to me holding joey while they finished my stitches, and then he handed him to me to nurse. He wouldn't latch on right away, but we squeezed out some colustrum, and he seemed more interested but wouldn't latch. I found out that the hospital has this weird policy that you have to nurse the baby full wrapped up, which joey didn't like, and his hands were so close to his mouth it was getting in the way and impeding him being able to latch. I had two nurses at this point for me, because one was being trained (was an OB up in indiana for 30 plus years before moving here though). About an hour later, the nurse trainee came in and unwrapped joey and put him skin to skin with me and helped me get him to latch and told me that if any of the other nurses saw me feeding, just say I decided to do it myself. Which was a huge relief because he nursed for about 5 mins and I felt we all could finally rest. They came in shortly after, recorded that he fed, and helped me out of bed and changed my sheets, and helped me clean up in the bathroom. The nurse gave joey his first bath, and showed robby how to bathe him. It was about 6am by this point, and joey was sound asleep, so rob and I slept too, for almost 3 hours. My OB came in and checked me and said I was looking very good. My blood pressure was back to normal and I was back to just my control-inhalers for asthma (hooray!) And I was barf free for the first time in forever.

the first day we spent pretty much enjoying joey, and resting as much as possible. Robby's mom, dad, brother, grandma, and his brother's gf all came to meet joey. His grandmother's reaction to him was the sweetest. All of the nurses raved about what a beautiful baby he was, how his features were perfect, like a doll, and said robby and I make pretty babies. lol. That first night was really rough, because I had the rudest nurse in the world that insisted I give him formula because I was starving him because my milk hadn't came in yet, but I refused and stuck to my wishes and intuition, he was nursing very well for about 15 mins every 1 1/2 hrs so I knew he was doing good. The next day, my OB came in and asked if I wanted to go home today or the next day, and I said today, I'd be way more comfortable at home. When we checked out, joey was borderline for needing to be treated for jaundice, his levels were at a 9.4 and he was at 8lbs (only had lost 4 oz, which was very good for EBF babies I was told), so we were to bring him in on saturday for a weight check and blood work to check his bilirubin levels. 

Saturday we brought him in, and his levels had gone up to 17.2 and he had lost ten percent of his body weight (don't remember the exact weight). They said though, since he was feeding so well and urinating and pooping that they wouldn't admit him until it got to 20, so they sent us home, and told us to give him formula after he was done breast feeding just to make sure he was getting enough milk from my breasts. well, we gave him formula the first time around 6pm, after he had nursed for 45 mins (my milk came in earlier that day). He fussed at the bottle, and did not want to take the formula, but as instructed we "forced" him to take as much as he could. We barely got him to take 1/2 an ounce. He fell asleep, and when i tried to rouse him about 1 1/2 hrs later to feed, I noticed he had hives ALL OVER his body, and I flipped out. I told robby to call the hospital and find out what to do, and they gave him shit like we were complaining they made us give him formula, which we were in a way because it made him sick - but we HAD followed their advice and done it, because we wanted him to get better. Robby went to the hospital and got hypoallergenic formula, and I put cool compresses on joey to relieve some of the hives. I stayed up the first half of the night waking him and feeding him, doing everything I could to get him to eat as much as possible. He rarely would take the formula after he nursed, and when he did it was 1/4 to 1/2 an ounce. 

we brought him back into the hospital sunday for his weight check and blood work, and they told us we had to wait, because he looked like he needed to be admitted. His levels came back and they were just over 20. He had gained 4 oz from the day before though, which was very good. They still needed to admit him though. I've never been so sad in all my life, and cried when they took him to put him into the nicu. I knew that lots of newborns got jaundiced, and he'd be fine, I just didn't like the idea of leaving my 4 day old baby alone in the nicu for all that time. They said I could stay at the hospital, but the room was so far away from the NICU and I was only going to be allowed to go in to see him to feed him, and even that they would only let me do a partial feeding for every other feeding. So basically, I'd get to see him every 6-7 hrs for about 20 mins, the rest of the time they'd bottle feed him while he's under the UV-lights. I decided it would be too hard for me to sit in another hospital room and know I can't be with him. I cried so hard when we left him there. I got home, and expressed about 4 ounces of breast milk. Robby and I went to walmart and drove around to waste time and distract me, mostly. We came back to the hospital for his 8pm feeding, which I wasn't even sure if I could handle emotionally but I wanted to breastfeed him, and hold him even if it was only for 20 mins. Robby and I scrubbed in, and my skin started to break out in hives from the soap they had us use. I noticed my skin was a little red, but didn't think it was much besides stress or a little bit of sensitivity. They took him out, and handed him to me, and set a timer for 20 mins. within 30 seconds, my skin turned bright red all over and started to itch and burn. I was trying so hard to get him to latch though, because I wanted him to BF while I was there, but I know he sensed how i was feeling. my husband asked the nurses if they could get me benadryl, and they couldn't, I'd have to go to the Er. well, I had some in the car so robby ran downstairs to get it, and 3 or 4 nurses started laying cool compresses on me and ice packs and giving me water to drink. I finally got joey to latch, and he was nursing like a champ, but I was shaking all over from the itching and burning and felt like i was going to puke. Robby got back up and gave me the benadryl, and I started to improve - at least, not get worse anymore. Joey's time was almost up so I had robby support my arm holding him so he could nurse and I wouldnt drop him because of my shaking and swelling from my allergic reaction - it turns out the soap had iodine in it, which I am very allergic to. He finished, and robby took him and put him back under the lights, and the nurse came and set him up with his mask and everything, and fed joey the bottle, which he only took about 3/4 of an ounce, so considering - he didn't do that bad nursing. I sat and tried to cool my skin off, and started to feel better some, and sat there with joey until I felt good enough to walk (they didn't want me to go until I felt better - which was kind of good because normally they would have made me go after the 20 mins.) We left, and i started to feel better but was still sad about leaving him there all night. They had done another blood test right before we came, so we planned to call before we went to sleep to find out what it was. 

we went to my in-laws at 9pm, and had easter dinner - and opened presents from friends that had been there that night expecting to get to meet joey. We got home, and called the NICU, his tests had shown that it had already dropped to 14.2 -- which was really good... so I have high hopes I'll be able to take my baby home when i go there shortly this morning, but I have more expressed breast milk just in case they say i can't, but I sure hope that won't be the case. Saddest Easter ever.

Edit 3 days later: My Joey is home! His levels were 10.3 at 7 this morning. They did one more draw when we left, but we didn't have to stay for the results since it was so low this morning. He goes on Friday back to the nicu for a recheck to make sure it hasnt came back. I am just thankful to be able to hold him and nurse him again - without a timer and mean nurses breathing down my neck.

Pregnant with Purple Hair Baby 2

So since we heard this sweet baby's heart beat on Monday and got an official guess date of November 18, 2015 (this is my Grammie and Papa's wedding anniversary, and this year would have been 70 years for them!), we officially told our kids and now we're sharing with family and friends now too. I'm 7ish weeks now.

So, everyone wants to know, where did my awesome purple hair go?! Well, my pregnancy hormones evidently are not fond of having hair dye stay adhered to my hair! The neon pink hair that it turned to was a bit much for me.  I can totally rock the purple, but neon pink was too bold.  So it's normal-ish. Again.  Boring.  If you look at it closely, there are still parts that wouldn't even let it to normal.  I'm thinking I may make some clip ons to add into my hair when I'm feeling up to it.

So I might have lost my awesome hair to this baby, but I'll trade purple hair for a baby growing in my belly any day.

Blessings of Holy Week

Holy week is always one of my most favorite times to be Catholic. I've been able to participate in alot more at Church this week than I did last year this time when I had a new tiny Emily and that has been such a blessing for my life.

As I got up at 3 am today to finish barfing in the toilet instead of on myself while I sleep, I still feel so very blessed for the sweet life growing inside of me and that I got to hear baby's heartbeat on Monday.  There is no sweeter sound in the world. This is the earliest I've ever gotten to hear one of my baby's heartbeats. I always have a bit of an internal struggle with myself on fasting and abstinence days in the church, as I've been either nursing or pregnant or both for the last almost 9 years and so in theory I'm excused. I usually have no problem abstaining, but fasting has only happened unintentionally when I've been pregnant.  I talked to my kids about this some yesterday and had reminded them (oh, they so love to tell me when I'm breaking rules!) ;) that I would not be truly fasting for Good Friday like I would want to.  However, after that violent middle of the night puke fest, I may end up in a fasting by default state.

My born on Holy Thursday baby, Joey, celebrates his 8th birthday on Saturday.  He is at the last month of preparation for receiving his first communion soon, and I am so very excited for him.

This Easter Vigil also marks 10 years since I was received into the Church. Such a wonderful, fond time to remember. I have some memories from that day that still hurt my heart deeply, but most of all that day, I felt such great beautiful love from the amazing community at Holy Family Cathedral in Orange, CA, from the amazing RCIA team that had patiently spent 2 years with me, from my amazing sponsor Norah, from my then boyfriend Rob (whoa! This seems like so much longer ago), and some from family and friends in attendance and who were in prayer with me.  I have made amazing lengths in my faith in the last 10 years, and God continues to help me grow everyday.  I am blessed to be a godmother.  I have 3 living children baptized that attend mass regularly (and drive me crazy at mass regularly!) and yet another 2 babies who are in the hands of God too soon from miscarriage.  And another sweet tiny blessing growing inside of me!  I've received the anointing of the sick more times than I'd like to admit -- hehe. And actually, as this pregnancy the HG has been in waves I haven't been anointed yet, I should ask.

We were so young!  Haha.  :)

Inspiring words

Sometimes, the smallest insignificant thing can uplift a hard day and help me get through. The other day, it was actually this email - which is totally just advertising, in a way. But it is truth - and reminded me of what's important.

Dear Jenni,

I hope you are doing well. If you are anything like me there are times when you feel like your head is going to explode. Every room you walk into provides you with another list of things you need to do. The kids are calling, the counters are sticky and.... Oh those blasted crumbs!

When you are having a really tough moment or day ~ even though no one may be there to give you an understanding smile or a hug, please know that you are not alone. All of us mamas have struggles, and this too shall pass.

Just, please, don't beat yourself up.

We know we need to relish this time as a mother, that childhood is one of the most important times we can NEVER GET BACK! And we know that we need to capture it however we can ~ I hope you can find a moment to write down some of the good times and the cute phrases, and/or stick an image to the wall that reminds you of how good it can all be.

I've created some lovely images to remind you of peace and calm, they always help me.

Have a great day!

Love & Sincerely,
Katie

Katie m. Berggren ~ Could this moment be yours?

Visit the site & blog: http://www.KmBerggren.com


Choose prints and original paintings: http://www.shop.KmBerggren.com

Kindness

I am told often by those who are close to me that I am too kind,  too forgiving, too loving.  I truly do not believe there is such a thing as too much of any of these, nor do i think I'm all that excellent at doing any of these. I do try but I'm human. But, there is such a thing as too much hurt, too much deceit, too many lies.

God calls all of us to love, and to love everyone, especially the ones that are hardest to love.

But it is true indeed that chance after chance after chance just increases the hurt. I have long since given up on trying to understand other people's actions, but unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you see it), I still love them and expect the best from them.  My bad. Really, my bad.

My beautiful girls

Emmy, my doll baby.

And Ina, my wild child.

The saints have invaded the castle!

We exchanged our peg saints today and my kids are thrilled with the result.  They both have laundry lists of all the catholic peg saints we are painting next.  I guess I need to order more peg dolls!  :)

The saints have totally taken over their play castle.  Naturally.

Art is beautiful.

I've had prints that I've wanted to frame and put on my wall for quite a while of some beautiful mother and child art, in fact the same artist I linked to in a recent blog,  but I haven't because I hadn't found frames yet.  New frames are so expensive. I found a whole bunch of almost matching frames at a thrift shop and it's such a silly thing, but I got to hang these up today and they bring me great happiness.  I might paint the frames, haven't decided, and after I took photos I was feeling a little ocd about my imperfect rushed hanging job. But right now, they are imperfectly perfect and I love to see these on my wall, as they make me smile.

Beautiful painting

I love this painting.  Wish I had the money for it. http://shop.kmberggren.com/We_Shall_Be_Safe_dilly_dilly_original_painting_p/weshallbesafeoriginal.htm

I have a few of this artist's prints on my wall and they are all amazingly beautiful. She's so talented.

Happy St. Joseph's Day!

St. Patrick's day has become so crazy mainstream that I bet many do not even know the saint who is being celebrated. However, St. Joseph's Day is just 2 days later (today!) and doesn't get even a fraction of the recognition St. Patrick does and St. Joseph was the earthly father to Jesus!  Thanks to my Grandpa Joe and his catholic faith and Polish heritage, I grew up with more knowledge of St. Joseph than the average kid, and it's still a very important feast day to me. It always reminds me of my Grandpa Joe and how he'd remind us to wear red for the feast day. And of course, my first born also shares this name and St. Joseph is the patron of our parish.

St. Joseph is the patron saint of Poland, which is one reason that my grandpa loved to celebrate this feast day.

I like to celebrate today as father's day, too.  Sure we have the "official" American holiday in June, but today is such a better way to celebrate father's, alongside the ultimate example of a devoted husband and father, Joseph. Happy St. Joseph's Day and happy father's day.  <3

St. Joseph, pray for us. 

Little baby not so little

Last weekend we went to Chikfila for lunch.  Joey asked if he could take Emmy down the slide. He does this often in our backyard or at parks.  I told him I wasn't sure how she would respond to the tunnels, but he could try as long as he brought her right back down. There weren't other kids in the play area, so I let him try.  To my shock and surprise, Emmy loved it.  After he put her down, she tried to climb the steps that were almost as big as her so she could go down again.  I can't believe how everyday how much she's grown and changed lately and how strong and independent she is.  She just passed 13 months old 2 days ago. Sweet happy baby.

An army of St. Michael's

Been working on these St. Michael peg dolls for the last couple months.  Putting modpodge on them tonight. I hope that no one in this exchange is expecting perfection, but I'm quite happy with how well my little saints turned out.  I can't wait to exchange them and have many other saints.  :)

The beauty of the Mass

To me, there is simply nothing in life as beautiful as the Mass. I wish I could go to Mass every day! Even a mass that is filled with me up and down and attending to my children's needs, there is still such grace that we receive from attending the sacrifice of the Mass.

Today we had a special mass celebration for our parishes patron saint, St. Joseph. Every reading and prayer and song were done in different languages to incorporate the wide language community St. Joe's offers. All of the priests that ordinarily say the Spanish, Portuguese, and Polish masses joined us, and the bishop came up for the celebration too. I forget that my kids don't get to see the bishop very often.  When I converted to the church I went to a cathedral parish and the bishop was just like any other priest. When Ina saw him before mass, she was completely star struck.  "Who's that?  Isn't his photo on the wall over there?" << I laughed thinking oh, you notice those photos when you're running away from me at mass.  And honestly, as a parent mass was awful for me today.  Potty breaks, tantrums, baby crying, kid injuries, frustration, frustration, frustration.  But inbetween all those moments, it was such a beautiful mass with all the wonder and beauty of all the pomp and circumstance of the Catholic Church.  It was especially neat to see Ina, who hadn't experienced alot beyond our regular mass experience, and her interest. We also had seminarians participate in the mass, two of which are st Joseph's parishioners and heard their call while at mass at our parish. Beautiful.

Our church is losing another wonderful priest to another parish. He will be greatly missed. Fr. Bernadine is such a wonderful holy man and I know he will do great service at the parishes across town that he will be moving to.  St.  Joe's will miss him though! He is so good with babies and kids and has a sweet heart of God. In fact, as they were walking out, he saw Ina's very grumpy frowny mid tantrum face and reached across a few of us to touch her.  <3

A man was taken via ambulance during mass today too. I pray that he is okay and getting the medical care he needs. The sirens and fire truck and ambulance coupled with my already broken down feelings from the beauty of the mass were really overwhelming for me.

There was also a reception at the Cody Center too and there were lots of people going!  we didn't go, but I am sure it was wonderful and blessed. 

Oh, and just for giggles. I almost never wear high heels, but today I felt well enough to wear them.  It would figure that we would sit close (which means FAR WALK to the back), my kids would have to pee or get up 60000000000 times, and my calves are suffering from all that high heel crazy mama ness today!

A very simple thing, going to mass.  But so very complex, too. Mass is beautiful.

Rosaries for Mama Mary

My favorite healthy busy work, making rosaries as gifts. Here are a few that I've made this month:

intermittent thoughts on my life with PTC

I'm not a person who likes my personal anything to be public on the Internet, and even though I've had this blog for something like ten years there's only a handful of posts on it. I go through phases where I delete almost everything.  So today I was looking back on the very few older posts I have on here and read my post called "PTC Rant" from shortly after I was diagnosed with pseudo tumor cerebri/intracranial hypertension.  This was before it got really bad and I completely lost vision in one eye and most of the peripheral vision in the other.  I was so completely frustrated, but also hurting and completely devastated.  Would I ever be able to see my little boy smile again?  Would I ever be able to have another baby?  And here now, I read that post and think,  wow. I don't know how I survived that.  Oh wait,  I do.  It was God. He gives me strength to have faith in Him and fight for what He calls me to do even when every other aspect of my life is screaming NO!

Ironically - well not irony because I don't really believe in coincidence,  but this is what led to us being blessed with Ina. I remember taking a pregnancy test on my 25th birthday, just in case because I was going in for preoperative testing to possibly get a shunt to help my vision.  I was still on large doses of heavy duty diuretics.  I was told to absolutely avoid pregnancy.  That I could permanently lose my vision, or would likely die in pregnancy due to the intracranial hypertension.  To say I was terrified is an understatement. We were using careful NFP charting to avoid pregnancy until April 2010. I could hardly see anymore and doing very detailed tasks like charting were very hard.  I needed rob to do it. He helped for about a month, but it really frustrated me to lose my ability to do yet another thing. We prayed about it and decided to take a month off from charting and to leave things completely to God. The information we got in all directions from physicians and online research and support groups and so much was so conflicting, and then at the heart and soul of all of it was our faith.  We are devout Catholics, do not believe in using birth control of any kind except NFP with abstinence during fertile times to avoid pregnancy for grave reason.  Considering my risks of pregnancy were more severe blindness and death, we knew we had grave reason. But I'm so glad today that we listened to God and continued to pray for guidance and do our own research.

Truly,  if I hadn't gotten those two little blue lines on my 25th birthday, my last five years would have looked entirely different.  I never really thought about how different it would be until I reread that post. We would likely still be living in fear, me suffering in pain from the medications. I probably would have had at least one brain surgery. Realistically knowing how IH surgeries go, I probably would have had dozens of brain surgeries at this point.  Which may or may not have fixed my vision.  I probably would be physically disabled, and need lots of help with daily living and caring for my son.

The last five years haven't been easy by any stretch, but compare to the harsh reality that I would likely be blind, have had multiple brain surgeries, and not able to see my baby boy or husband or ANYTHING any more is simply a miracle.

When I was hospitalized early this year and they told me they suspected it was a return of my pseudotumor cerebri, all of those scary feelings in that post, they all came flooding back to me. So yes, the last 5 years have been a struggle but not in a brain surgery and blindness way.  And here we are blessed with 2 more sweet children to snuggle and watch them smile and spin and be silly.  And hey, I even get to watch them when they throw temper tantrums and are mad.  But I get to SEE it. I get to see that pregnancy test all those times I've taken them over the years.  I get to see how my girls looked as babies and watch them grow.

When I look back on photos of Joey during those 6 months of blindness, I don't recognize him.  But I know him.  I was there.  I may not have been able to type or even use a phone for a while, but I kept taking photos of him hoping I could one day put my hearing and touch memories together with a visible memory.

Thank God for blessing us with Ina, and for curing my vision along with the blessing of her pregnancy.  I am told I'm in remission, because intracranial hypertension never really goes away.  I hope it doesn't ever come back, but at least I know if it does, my God will bring me through the hurt, frustration, etc.  He is amazing. Rereading that post really just makes me glad that I can see. And for all of the blessings of the last five years, especially those of my babies.  

This is my story that I've told many times, but writing it down, today was the first time.

Novena to St. Joseph starts tomorrow!

Join me in praying the novena to St. Joseph that starts tomorrow...

St. Joseph

Feast Day:  March 19, Novena Dates:  March 10-18

 

Remember, O most illustrious Patriarch St. Joseph, on the testimony of St. Teresa, thy devoted client, never has it been heard that anyone who invoked thy protection or sought thy mediation has not obtained relief.  In this confidence I come before thee, my loving protector, chaste spouse of Mary, foster-father of the Savior of men and dispenser of the treasures of His Sacred Heart.  Despise not my earnest prayer, but graciously hear and obtain my petition………

(Here mention your request.) 

Let us pray.

O God, Who by Thine ineffable Providence didst vouchsafe to choose St. Joseph to be the spouse of Thy most holy Mother, grant, we beseech Thee, that he whom we venerate as our protector on earth may be our intercessor in Heaven, who livest and reignest forever and ever.  Amen.

Small blessings

I just feel incredibly blessed this last 24 hours.  Some very tiny insignificant things, some huge, some good,  some inbetween... some about me, tear filled, laughter filled.

I can't share details about most of these things, but really, just wanted to say that I am just blessed.

My health the last year

I'm going to go ahead and totally overshare with all of you regarding my health. Way tmi health update. Stop reading now if you don't want to know details.

My year since Emily was born has been a very difficult year. My pregnancy with her was already a hard year with hg and home health, and I expected it to get easier once she arrived, but it didn't. I still have some vitamin deficiencies and food aversions that are directly related to her pregnancy, too.

I got mastitis twice when Emily was young and at least one time was likely related to her tongue tie revision and her not removing milk effectively. Emily also has never liked to sleep and cried alot as a newborn. She still cries way more than the average baby, but I love my baby and insist on meeting her needs even if it means I lose sleep.

I was having random on and off heavy bleeding for months after her birth and saw a specialist and he kept brushing it off as "just hormonal", but nothing was getting better. I'd be fine for a few days and then Id be standing in Costco and be covered in my own blood. Id feel fine some days and other days Id be nauseated and puke and bleed heavily. I saw one resident at mayo that told me i was bleeding so much because i was sleep deprived! Oy! After some persistence on my part and getting a second opinion gynecologist and an Mri, they found a tiny tear on my cervix and cauterized it and all the bleeding finally stopped in June, nearly 5 months after she was born. I have never been so happy to not be bleeding constantly.

After all of my babies I've struggled some with anxiety and depression, more so after Joey than Ina. There were definitely situational components to both and I struggled with this too when I was younger. I was trying to do natural things and hoping that once the bleeding got under control things would get better for me on this front. They didn't. I'm a very very private person, and confided in my closest friends asking for advice and help on labor day weekend. One friend jumped to the conclusion based upon text messages that she thought I was suicidal and intended to kill myself. This was far from the truth, but she then decided to call the police instead of picking up to call me or mutual friends or my husband to see what my state of mind was. Yes, I was upset that night. No, I did not need the police called and involved in my life. I was upset and crying and talking to my husband late that night when a policeman shined his flashlight into our window, shortly after I opened the door I had cuffs on my hands and was put in the back of a police car because my friend told them that I was going to commit suicide. I was taken away to a mental health facility that was truly the thing that nightmares are made of and locked up against my will. I will spare you from the details, but it was horrifying. Prisoners are given more rights. I was denied access to a pump and access to my nursing children. I begged for them to at least give me a pump or allow my husband to bring mine, my breasts hurt so badly. I had no idea if or how Emily was being fed and that was my biggest worry. I didn't have pumped milk in the freezer nor would Emily take it if i did because she always had a hard time eating because of her tongue. Luckily one friend came over and nursed Emily the entire time i was gone. What a blessing. The psychiatrist met with me about 15 hours after being put in there and then 2 hours later I was released. He agreed that I was very stressed out and probably needed some more support, but that I did not belong in a inpatient setting. As a result of this visit, we were reported to dcf and investigated for months after. We were "double reported" as in got reported twice in 24 hours, once because of me being brought in by the police and once because I was a breastfeeding mother who drank a beer at 10pm at night. The nurse who reported me for that wouldn't have even known that I was nursing but I kept begging for a pump because I was so scared of getting mastitis again and I was incredibly engorged and in pain. After I left, I did follow up with a primary care dr for help with the anxiety and depression bouts and it has been helping.

Dcf dropped the case against us rather rapidly stating there was no abuse indicated, but because of us being double reported we had to complete months of classes and in home checks. Very very stressful when I was already very stressed. That ended around Thanksgiving. It's not being paranoid when you've actually got government people in your house scrutinizing your every decision, it's not paranoia, it's very real fear.

In November I started having some breast problems and there was concern that it could be breast cancer. Mayo and our insurance was being very uncooperative with getting me the appointments I needed to be checked, and so I went through a painfully slow process of having that evaluated while I worried. Most recently I saw the breast surgeon who believes it's more likely I have some sort of bleeding issue going on and she has referred me to hematology to be worked up eventually.

Then in January I fainted. Rob found me unconscious. I have a loss of memory of about 5 hours and evidently denied being transported by EMS when they were at my house. I fainted again the next morning and couldn't stop puking and went to the hospital and was admitted. They suspected that it may be related to medication or that my intracranial hypertension was returning. I've been considered "in remission" of this since getting pregnant with Ina. They wanted to do a lumbar puncture to check for this, it was mildly elevated but not enough to convince me to go on the medicines that really did not help the first time. They tried to do the lumbar puncture bedside and it was horrible and painful and I had bleeding complications. They did it under fluouroscopy the next day and also did a number of all tests, all relatively inconclusive. I was discharged on the third day and had a horrible post lumbar puncture headache develop. I called the dr on call and they encouraged me to wait until Monday, or go into the ER. I wound up going into the ER because I was in so much pain. They couldn't do the blood patch because it was a Sunday and they don't do them on Sundays. I was also then given the news that I had bacteria growing in my spinal fluid and that there was concern for meningitis, so they didn't want to treat me for the headache and accidentally seal in meningitis basically. They gave me many powerful pain drugs and sent me home and told me to come back tomorrow if I still needed the blood patch. I came back and they said they couldn't do it that day and were still concerned about meningitis and so they gave me antibiotics and more pain meds. I came back the following day and had the blood patch procedure done on my spine and had relief from those symptoms.

I evidently ovulated late from stress in the hospital, and to my shock, had an early positive pregnancy test. On Ina's birthday, I was certain I had lost the baby and was miscarrying. Our emotions on this are still very mixed.

This doesn't even get into Emilys hospital visit in the fall or all of the regular kid illnesses that we've dealt with all year! I really didn't necessarily want to share this.

`I am a deeply personal private person and even people who are very close to me don't know all of this. I am so very physically tired though and so tired of people asking other people how I am and false information being given from friends that have turned against me when I've needed them most. I have lost friends this last year and my heart hurts and breaks from that. Please know that I am doing the best that I can. You might not think it from where you sit, but take a moment and see where I've been sitting, and know that I have been doing my very best. I am eternally grateful to my friends and family who have been at my side serving me and my family and showing me how Jesus calls us to love and be loved. Thank God for them and thank God for life.

Jax Airshow Nursing Experience

Two years ago, in October 2012, we were at the Jax Airshow that was at Jax Beach that year and I had my worst nursing in public experience ever. Some of you know this story to a certain degree, but I thought I’d post about it especially given it is 2 years later and today I was feeling particularly defensive nursing at the airshow at NAS Jax. Lucky for all the strangers there, nobody said anything to me, as it should be! wink emoticon Two years ago, we were sitting on the beach, watching the air show for hours at that point, when a stranger approached me and demanded I cover up or stop nursing and called me white trash, that I was trying to sexually “turn on” little boys playing nearby (which included my son!), and that I should be ashamed. I stayed calm and politely informed her of Florida law that I can breastfeed anywhere I legally am allowed to be. When I would not stop nursing and just kept politely informing her of the law, she started calling me names and threatened to go “get the sheriff to force me to stop.” She was so unkind to me, I was choking back tears and many strangers from all around me put their hands on my shoulder or offered words of support, saying that I was in the right and did nothing wrong. The lady stood and waited and talked to the sheriff. Then the Jax Beach police officer came up to me and knelt down on the beach next to me and told me to cover or stop nursing. He said I know you aren’t doing anything illegal, but please stop, “multiple” people are offended... Because the lady got one of her friends to go with her to complain. I told him I would not stop nursing or cover up more (and honestly, I was nursing pretty modestly, but that is completely beyond the point!). He then asked me to cover up "as a favor to him". I told him I did not have to cover up by law, and what did he expect me to do? To use a sand covered towel on my child? He said that to just do it as a favor to him and that more than one person was upset. I said, well, I AM upset that my right to breastfeed is not being protected, it is not against the law and I WILL NOT STOP. I told him I am upset that my family is being yelled at and ridiculed by a stranger, yet, I'm being asked to stop when I'm in the right. He should be telling her to stop harassing me. He quickly walked away after that and I was left in tears because I was so upset at this point. The police officer was no where to be seen the remainder of the event, this happened between Fat Albert flying and the rest of the Blue Angels flying, about 3:15pm until 4:30pm. He was in a golf cart but I didn’t see him after that. But you bet, that woman stood right nearby me, staring at me and my family, the rest of the event, smugly, because she felt that she was in the right because the Sheriff had asked me to cover. I had a few strangers come up to me and say that they thought I was completely fine and that breastfeeding was protected, etc, but by that point I felt so hurt by everything that had occurred no amount of comforting really was much use. But I insisted to stay through the rest of the air show, as my son Joey LOVES the blue angels. As it turned out, my baby had become very ill and I did not know it yet. Ina started puking violently as we left and was hospitalized for the entire week following - I am sure glad that as a mom, I followed my instincts and let her nurse constantly for the hours and hours that we were at the air show, she clearly needed all the milk she could get to try to fight off that virus. I had a LLL leader go and talk to the Sheriff’s office, and I called and talked to them on the phone. They did verbally apologize to me, mostly because I was so upset, but said that because the other lady complained first, that he was “forced” to address the situation and talk to me. Evidently, crazy people who have a problem with breastfeeding truly are more protected than breastfeeding is here. Sad, but true. Thank you to everyone that helped me that day, and after that day to help get through this traumatic day. heart emoticon Love you Rob, Elisabeth, Janet, and Harley. Below: photo of me being soooo "inappropriate" nursing Ina at the Air Show in 2012.

May 15 - HG Awareness Day

Today is Hyperemesis Gravidarum awareness day. For women like myself who have had HG, it takes what is supposed to be a huge blessing and very happy time and fills it with vomiting, nausea, rapid weight loss, dehydration, malnutrition... I honestly have a hard time even sharing about this, I still gag on certain foods and there are many I cannot even attempt to eat because of how violently I threw them up. Heck, there are still foods from Joey's and Ina's pregnancies that I cannot eat, and they are 3 and 7 years old. There are different "levels" of HG, even from pregnancy to pregnancy with the same woman. I can only hope and pray that if we are blessed with future pregnancies, I do not have HG, or if I do, they're like my easiest pregnancy, Ina's, where I only threw up once or twice daily the entire time. Easy peasy compared to my others! smile emoticon Perspective... Today though I ask you to please pray daily for all of those women who are currently suffering from HG, especially those who are being offered "therapeutic termination" of their pregnancy - which if you look on the HER website, it is a staggering 20% of HG pregnancies that end in abortion. It is one of the saddest things for me having connected with other moms who have HG online, seeing how many women decide to have abortions because the current therapies are not enough to bring mom relief. It is so very, very hard. Even on home health and daily fluids, nausea meds, etc, I still could barely walk around, wash my own hair, or even get up to puke. And thank you, for all of the friends, family, and care providers that were amazing to me during one or all of my pregnancies. I could tag people, but it would be too many smile emoticon heart emoticon My babies may not know it, but they have you to thank you for their lives and I have you to thank for mine, too. You all almost make up for the poor treatment I got from care providers, the doctors who offered me abortion, the times I had to argue with doctors in ERs about needing fluids... being sent back HOME because the doctor wanted to go to lunch before seeing me, when I was super dehydrated and tried to transfer to an OB to get on home health during Emily's pregnancy.... I could go on and on and on. Some of the instances are just too hard for me to think about or even write about. So, please, pray for the women who have HG, pray for the sweet babies who have never made it to earth to take their first breath because of HG (either because of miscarriage, or abortion), pray for the friends and family members of those suffering, and pray for all of the doctors who are researching to find better therapies than currently exist. I'd also like to add that at the end of my pregnancy, I got some relief from a supplement called Lauricidin - Recommended By Physicians Worldwide. After taking it for a week, it was the first time ever I had been pregnant and not also nauseated - in all of my pregnancies. I still threw up some, but it did offer me tremendous relief and I was able to come almost completely off the antinausea meds in the last month of my pregnancy except for after an occasional violent puke. There is some research being done about other pharmaceuticals that may help in pregnancy, but I personally do not feel confident enough from what I've read to share about them yet. If you know someone with HG, call, email, show up and help. It might seem like it is very little or not enough, but if you just show up and help a little every time, it really is huge. Some of the things that helped me most were people dropping lunch off on the porch for my kids, people who came in and folded laundry or did a load of dishes, friends who watched my kids while I got stabbed for the 10th time that day to get an IV in place. It might seem small, but it is not.